This is 44

I turned 44 yesterday and passed one of the first milestones on this no sugar experiment.  My birthday dinner if often centered around where I want to eat dessert.  Sometimes because I am trying to keep those pesky glutens and dairy out of my diet (because they make my stomach unhappy) and sometimes because I just want to have it! Yesterday, because dessert was taken out of the equation I picked a restaurant based on the main meal itself and was able to enjoy that experience with my boys without a thought as to whether I'd be too full/stomach-hurty/fat/unhappy to eat dessert.  And I am so pleased.

#Thisis44 is a common hashtag on my Facebook feed as many of my online friends are re-connections from high school.  We are all turning 44 and trying to figure out what that means, what it looks like and how to move forward toward 50.  eek.

So this morning I woke up sans hangover of any kind, really hungry, and ready to start my workday I was pleased that this experiment seems to be working.  This may be 44, but I keep getting better - at least that's what my husband says.

Cookbook awesome-ocity

I found this cookbook at New Seasons, ordered it from the library, and received it today.  I was literally putting bookmarks in every other page of this cookbook.  The recipes were this yummy looking!

Not only does this author have a similar cooking aesthetic as me in terms of using whole, real foods, but there is nary a mentioned of TVP (texturized vegetable protein) or fake meats anywhere!  AND (yes, AND) most are vegan.  Meaning there isn’t any of that vegetarian tendency depending heavily on processed carbs and soy products to make a vegetarian meal.  Yay!

I give

I have begun to think I’m a bad cook. I really was a bad cook, but over the past few years while staying home with my son I have become quite good (at least we think so).  One facet of my personality is that I get bored easily.  I am always trying out new recipes and searching for great ways to prepare foods I love.  So this raw thing sounded like a new fun challenge.  I started in January with my cleanse and when that was over I just kept on going.  Now some time has past and I have realized something.  The vegan(ish) part?  No problem.  The raw food part?  Ummm, that has been issue-laden.  After 2.5 months I am tired of making highly labor intensive foods that are frankly gross.  When making raw foods you don’t cook, but I am beginning to feel like I am a bad preparer of foods.  And it is taking it’s toll on my cooking psyche.

In case you are wondering, what are things I will never try again?  Pizza.  It is meant to be cooked.  Dehydrating does not will not can not get you the warm gooeyness that is pizza.  And you really need cheese.  Really.  Brussels sprouts.  That might have happened accidently as I love dehydrated broccoli, but the raw bs experience almost killed my fantastic love affair with Brussels sprouts.  So I will stick to my awesome roasted recipe.

At this point I will keep six raw recipes.  Lasagna (for special occasions), Pad Thai, two different kale salads, sprouted buckwheat porridge and a dehydrated portobello mushroom, cashew mayo on almond bread sandwich.  They are all good and will remain in the rotation.  I also enjoy sprouting beans/lentils/grains, raw hummus, all raw smoothies, and a few other ways of incorporating rawness into our eating.

So, I will try to find new recipes this summer.  But I need a break.  I need to rebuild my cooking psyche so I can feel the confidence to once more boldly prepare raw recipes that might just suck.

Serving Size

I like to finish my plate, don’t you?  I also like feeling satisfied by my meal and some of that comes from the mind - the thought that you finished your plate/meal.

I know now that if I am eating a animal based protein that is a max 4oz serving size and the remainder of my plate is a green/vegetable mix.   I know that and when I am making my own food I create meals that mostly satiate my mind and my body’s needs.  I say mostly because occasionally, in the name of health I create a meal that doesn’t satiate one or both of these needs.  These are the meals that end up with me in the chip cabinet at 10pm.

So my problem primarily occurs when I eat out.  At restaurants.  Because they serve HUGE portions.  Portions I could not possibly eat no matter how hard I try.  And believe me, I try.

Americans value value.  So we eat a lot of cheap foods.  I try not be like this, but still get stuck in the rut when I go to a restaurant and really want to feel the satisfaction of “finishing” my meal.  I can’t.  Or I do and truly feel like shit afterward.  It is really nice having something to take home sometimes so that I can eat it again another day.  But sometime couldn’t a restaurant just serve the proper serving size?

I know, I know the restaurant/food company/FDA’s job isn’t to make us healthy.  But every once in a while I would like to go somewhere and be served good food that satisfied me.   Food that made me feel like I’d had enough.

I don’t ignore my emotional issues, I’m just asking for some assistance.  You’d think the health care system would appreciate someone like me.  I won’t cost them as much.  In the long run people like me, while we might be a pain in the ass, are the ones that will live those healthy lives with less diet-related health concerns.  That is a good thing.  Right?

Healthy and Skinny are not the same thing

Now everyone with me say, “DUH”.

Well, recently I have been eating really well.  Almost completely organic, mostly vegetarian, seasonally appropriate and predominantly local foods.  Feeling good about my food choices but for one thing that is “uhhmm” weighing me down.  Yep.  The weight thing is such a problem.  The number.  I didn’t weigh myself for about three years.  It was such a nice time .

That number just kills me though.  I am eating so well, but after a dinner of brown rice, tofu, broccoli and peppers I am up about two pounds.  Now, seemingly my body doesn’t like brown rice (maybe it is the phytic acid), but STILL.  I need to find another whole grain that treats me a little better.  Quinoa is good, but hubbend doesn’t like it.  I shall try kasha, amaranth and millet next.

I get frustrated when I feel like I am working so hard at this and I am still not rewarded.  (Rewarded now, that is.)  Which definitely points out one of my problems with food.  It might have altered a bit, but the fact that I think I should get a gold star for eating well tells me something is still off.  Intellectually you may know that eating well will keep you healthier in the long run and eating locally/organically is good for the environment, but is that truly what keeps you going?  Not me.  I want to eat well enough so that my body stays strong for as long as possible, but I feel like my reward should be something like, “And now, Brooke, after all that hard work, you shall be rewarded with the loss of the sugar craving.  You will now enjoy the foods you eat that sustain you and will not feel disappointed at the end of the meal because it was “so healthy” and there wasn’t a sweet reward.”

Is that too much to ask?  I guess so. <sigh>

So I am down two pounds today.  Two more to go until I am normal again.  And still I wait.  And work.  And hope some day for that reward.

Week Two of a Dairy/Egg free life

I was sick last week so I was quiet about this.  I didn’t think I noticed much at first, but aside from the weird grossness I feel from eating fried foods last night I think I feel better without the dairy/eggs in my life.  I feel a little lighter and cleaner.  Oddly, last week I was mostly vegan as a consequence of eating dairy free.  I had tuna once, but mostly ate veggies, soups and squashes (as befits the season).  I think it was easier without hubbend home so I didn’t eat out much – just ate simpler.

I am going to try to go without magnesium this week to see if it is really helpful, but aside from missing eggs for breakfast it isn’t really hard to go without.  Although eating outside the home is fairly challenging as well.

I’ll keep thinking about it.  Next week I’ll be traveling so I will have eggs, but it might be hard to tell why I am feeling good, bad or ugly and if it is related to eggs or just travel.

I am thinking I will do a whole body/organ cleanse in January this year.  That or the whole life nutrition 28 day cleanse which is for the gluten-free people in your life.  Who wants to join me?

Put the joy in

I spent the weekend with my parents and on the drive from the airport my mom told me about a friend of hers who she is a little concerned about.  It seems that she lost some weight on WW two years ago and is so concentrated on maintaining that weight loss that she obsesses about food.  This makes it hard to eat around her sometimes for all her rules.  Two years is a long time to be obsessed.  And I really don't want that to be me.  And this sounds a bit like me now.

Dinner has long been a battle around here.  My son hates my dinners.  Why?  Because they are healthy.  And for a while now I've felt like that battle isn't worth it.  Will he be malnourished if I give in a little bit?  Probably not.  Look at my husband.  He didn't grow up with good food models and he seems to be just fine.  I'm the fucked up one.

I've lost the joy in making food and sometimes recently even I think the food tastes too healthy.  And this shouldn't be its primary function.  It should provide nourishment, yes.  But eating dinner together should be a positive shared experience.  I think I need to put the joy back into the food.  Make it primarily yummy and have healthy be the secondary function.

I read recently that the mood you are in impacts the speed of digestion.  Sadness slows it down.  I don't want to be sad while I eat.  I want to put the joy back in.  Balance, as ever, is key.

Control

I've recently returned from vacation where I learned something interesting about my eating. I spent the early part of the week with my parents. This was fine as my mom knows (pretty much) what I eat and respects it. She even told a saleswoman that I have worked hard on my body. I think she meant it to be a compliment... :). ANYWAY. She would ask me what I wanted and this was fine, even dropped another pound I think before the big bikini unveiling. So, I arrive in Phoenix and what happens? I have absolutely no say in what I can eat for breakfast and then find it really hard to find healthy foods for lunch and dinner. And then, guess what happens? I gave up. Just ate the food brought to me and felt increasingly gross. One reason was I never knew when I was going to get another meal brought to me and I didn't want to miss the opportunity for the free food. Another was that it is really hard to eat well when constantly presented with huge plates of food filled with carbscarbscarbs.

Wonderfully, I'm not being hard on myself. I am just back home and buckling down to my regular diet and will lose the weight. But back to what I learned.

I really became a better eater and able to maintain this body I now claim when I gained control of my diet. I know what I eat and how it is comprised and I even know what it is that makes me go astray. I was so frustrated to not be in control of my diet. It made me feel like there was nothing I could do to be good to myself and feeding myself mindfully.

And what is interesting is that I feel so much better now that I am home and in control. I don't even mind that I was hungry this morning b/c I knew that I would feed myself soon and I would feed myself well. I am looking forward to this week of abstemious eating and giving my body back to myself.

Side note - not all people are like me. Surprise, surprise. The hubbend finally began to eat better when he gave away control of his food and just began to eat what I served him. That too I find interesting.

I've Been Looking Forward

to this all day: http://recipesharepdx.pbworks.com/Mushroom-and-Roasted-Tomato-Pesto-Pizza

Yummy Pesto Pizza!!

Fruit Pizza

I've been busy at work creating my recipe wiki cause this blog is proving to be annoying for recipe sharing. I cannot paste text in - cannot paste links so if I make alterations then they won't be with the recipe. Anyway, until it is further along I'll just post the fruit pizza here. Cause I am really excited about it!

http://books.google.com/books?id=mtDolkK41joC&lpg=PA250&ots=y6T1_m8dU4&dq=weil%20optimum%20health%20fruit%20pizza&pg=PA250#v=onepage&q=&f=false

The crust is cooking now. I can't wait until bookclub to eat it!

Week Four

It has been three weeks now. I am down 1 pound (ohhh, the excitement) and have followed three different modes of eating. The first, vegan, was the most extreme and a really good way to start. As the weeks progressed the food began to normalize and now I pretty much eat the way I have been eating since the diet, only better. I am eating the way I want to eat, really. I am eating good, healthy foods that I enjoy and prepare in healthy way. I am not drinking either which means I get to eat more and I don't have the sugar surges. I am not craving foods at night. My mood is fairly stable and fairly content. So what I'm getting at is that I don't think I'll follow another diet this week. I think I'll eat my whole (real) foods, some of them superfoods and some of them vegan. I think the last piece for me is to eat mindfully. To eat slowly. To enjoy the food I'm eating.

Tuna Salad

I'm not exactly sure why tuna salad over cabbage and sunflower greens is soooo satsifying, but it really is. Perhaps it is the crunch. It is one of those meals from the diet (HCG) that has become so ingrained in my diet and it never gets old. Other meals have - steak salad, shrimp celery salad or the lemon vinegarette dressing - but tuna salad just stays satisfying. It is nice and comforting to have a food that is not only so nutritious, but fills my soul as well. Food isn't supposed to feel restrictive or marginalizing. When you eat and are satisfied on so many levels then you know you've found something truly "healthy".

Bulgur Burgers

Making these again tonight - Bulgur Burgers. Think I'll try binding with Tahini.

Last nite I made the vegan lentil soup. I didn't have enough lentils so I added some left over wheatberries. That worked quite well, I thought.

Generally ok. Weight is up which is a bummer. Digestion still jacked. At least I slept last night though...

Cleansing

January is my annual no-alcohol month. This year I have decided to call it a cleansing period. I will follow weekly themes which will not only provide structure but will require me to stretch my brain for new recipes. I haven't fully figured it out yet, but start with (not surprisingly) superfoods. I think I'll do a vegan week and the last will be a "healthy" week whereby my body will let me know what it wants and I will listen. (The idea sounds nice at least). I haven't decided about week three. I am thinking "whole foods" or something like that.

I am excited!! Am also intrigued to see what happens mentally, physically and emotionally throughout the month. I have a feeling I'll be a bit grumpy from time to time... but then, what is new? But what if I'm not? That would be awesome.

I have a spreadsheet made, but can't figure out how to attach it... I'll get the hubs to help and do so.

pomegranate

I have wonderful childhood memories of pomegranates. I used to walk down the street to the neighbor's property and pick pomegranates. I would take this home and then sit on our light posts, throw them on the ground to split them and then eat them in all their messy goodness.

I went many years broiling chicken and being a mediocre cook. How happy was I when I discovered this Pomegranate Chicken recipe? Soooo very very happy. I made it only on special occasions and was usually foiled by the time of year and limited pomegranate season. How happy was I when going throw my recipes I realized it was probably pomegranate season and I could make this for my family. Beta liked the pomegranates, Alpha liked the quinoa (sub for couscous) and I liked the combo. What a yummy meal when combined with some fresh brussel sprouts.

Organizing

I just organized my recipes - they are in a three ring binder - and it is really cool to see how my diet has changed over the years. From my parents Mastercook recipes to my sunset, oprah and epicurious recipes I have developed my own way of cooking. I like seeing the slight shifts and I can remember what I was thinking about food when I put it into the binder. I am throwing many away - to make room for more yummy yummy recipes. Bring it on!

Butternut Squash Soup

I made this yummy soup last night. http://www.oprah.com/recipe/omagazine/recipes/food_omag_200710_squash
Beta helped with the food processor to smooth out the chunks so that the hubbend wouldn't know there are onions in it. It was really creamyand flavorful; and now is frozen for a later eating. I tried to take a photo, but as most foods look gross in photos I thought I'd pass.... but trust me, it was good!

Friday night was corn and kidney bean chili (From the Oct 1 post). Also super yummy.

Granola morning

Yah for yummy granola! This is the granola I made last night and ate this morning with soy milk and raspberries. Mason loved it too.

feeling feelings

So today my naturopath told me to stop losing weight. Now that is something I have never heard before. She told me I needed to eat more carbs, but admired my thoughtfulness in wanting to add foods meaningfully to a meal. So now, after having made halibut, a small salad, and onion on couscous I am feeling very full... and very fat. Huh. There must be a balance.

Lost Weight on Ranchito Night

I can't believe it! We went out to El Ranchito (an old favorite) for dinner last night and this morning I lost weight! I definitely made different food choices, but the chips and margs were the same. The challenge with mexican food is the lack of veggies and too many carbs (rice and beans and tortilla). This restaurant has added some vegetarian options recently, but these have no protein in them (no black beans there). So, I went for the steak fajita with corn tortillas. Pretty yummy - wayyyyyy too much food. We took a short walk after. Was so dreading the scale this morning. What a pleasant surprise. My body is processing foods better since that thing I'm doing started and my naturopath discovered I have a hard time processing dairy. It seems more efficient now. What a marvel is the human body. I should thank it more often.