Disordered Eating

Is a highly episodic and cyclical problem.  Whether it is body image issue or a food related issue you can solve it for a while, but it comes back if you let it.  It is sneaky.

When you find yourself struggling with food cravings, energy issues or bad patterns old or new there are some things you can look at to help:

1- Disordered eating usually rears it’s head when something is off in your life. Observe: is something lacking in your life, or how are you out of balance?

2-Notice how the pattern emerges (daily, hourly).  Does it look different than last time? Then…

3-Think how how you worked it out last time, is that structure still in place?  If not, would that work again?  If so, what has changed?

4- If it is new think about what is going on (probably outside of food) and notice if that brings up an emotional or food response in you.

5- Talk to someone.  Talk to someone who won’t judge you.  Someone who will listen to you and help you reflect on what is going on in your life and who makes you feel supported.

Does it help to know you are not alone?  You are not.  There are so many people out there with disordered eating issues big and small.  We all hide it.  Be proud of yourself for being aware.  Now move on to the next step and find ways to love yourself without food!

Take Care.

Self Acceptance

This topic has been a long time in the making. 

It took a while to figure out that body/self image wasn’t all about the weight.  Interestingly though, it took losing weight to realize it.  Not sure I would have got there.  “Big and loving it” was never going to be my style.

So when I lost the weight and realized everything wasn’t perfect (something I knew intellectually, but not really) I had to finish my work.  My work on being okay with me.

Because self acceptance isn’t just about being okay with my weight, it is being okay with my body, being okay with my role in this world, the way I relate to people and how my mind works.  And that doesn’t happen over night.

So now my daily work continues.  I work on accepting that I eat differently than a lot of people.  That I am a bit extreme in my relationship with my body, but that relationship is healthy for me.  Not anyone else but me.

I am finding purpose in helping others through their journey.  I hope that my struggles will make it easier on them, but know that I needed (as always) to take the hard path.  I am working hard to be happy in my relationship with my son (a struggle every day) and I am trying to reach out more fully to those in my life that I love. 

We’ll see what the next step is.  I don’t know, but I know that I will be ready for it.   Does that make me an optimist?  Nahhh.  Don’t talk crazy.

Life is Pain, Highness

I like that quote a lot and I’ll tell you why.  This quote doesn’t mean that life sucks, it says that we can handle a lot more than we think.  Most people do everything they can to avoid pain – pain in the form of hunger, physical or emotion.  But pain can be good.  Pain stretches your muscles to be stronger, more flexible and quicker.  Pain in the form of hunger makes you appreciate the fullness and to remove some of the mental fear of not enough.  Emotional pain is the pain we feel from disappointment, loss, fear or anger.

So why am I thinking about this?  I was wondering if I am too extreme sometimes.  If doing a colon cleanse and the internal cleanse is just causing me pain.  Couldn’t I just stick to my old, don’t drink alcohol in January?   The answer is a big no.  Because I like pain (highness) in the sense that I like to see what my body can do, how it feels and what is possible.  I don’t want to let life sit on me.  I want to climb up and live, exploring what is possible in me.

Respect your limits, but push them occasionally.  You might be surprised how far you can go.

Five Pounds is a lot

I didn’t really realize it, but five pounds is a lot.  I hadn’t ever been five pounds over my weight before.  Usually more like twenty… So I didn’t know how much it was bothering me until it was gone.  I knew I didn’t like my body in clothes and I knew the number was high, but the number and I have other issues to deal with.

So after trips out east, Thanksgiving, Christmas season and cinnamon roll yumminess I just was feeling funky.  I wasn’t really motivated to do our January cleanse, but now that I am in the middle of it I truly love that I do one annually. 

I read somewhere yesterday that January is a bad and arbitrary time to do a cleanse.  It is cold and that cleanses don’t really solve a weight problem.  This I know.  But here is what makes that not relevant for me.  I needed something to change.  I need the restart to my brain and I can’t do it with “just eat better”, Brooke.  I need to purge my system of that weight that seemed more than just five pounds because it weighed on my mind and soul as well.

When I start eating food again on Friday I will be mostly raw for the month due to the Internal Cleanse that follows, (which I am really excited about, by the way) but this I know.  I will listen to myself and my body and honor what it wants (mmmm, black bean burrito and a really good fiction book to read).  And I will have wiped clean the old feeling of “bad” with my body back the way it is supposed to look.  I feel freer right now (maybe partially high due to a lack of food) and I know this is me doing what I am supposed to be doing.  Here.  Right now.

Internal Dialogue

*Warning: not for the faint of heart.  If you don't like swearing or negative talk then just stop reading now.

This is the internal dialogue between the two of me: Skinny Bitch (SB) and Big Fat Cow (BFC).

SB-Dude, you suck.  You are fat, gross and are really ruining my awesomeness.  I look awesome and you are supremely disgusting with your fat hanging out everywhere.
BFC- You just need to chill out.  You are stressing me out.  Why do you have to be such hard work?  It is just food after all.
SB-You are making us a hypocrite!  How could anyone believe I am healthy and eat well if I am big and fat?
BFC- A: your standards are just a wee to high.  We are NOT fat.  However, to answer that question.  People don't expect you to be perfect.  You will be a successful health coach because of your life experience and your unique contributions.
SB-Ya.  My "unique contributions".  What people really want is a happy, sunny person.  Neither of us are that.
BFC- It is true.  But we are real.  We have always valued that, haven't we?
SB- YesYes, but can't you just shove over for a little bit?  You have been in charge for most of my life.  Can't I just lead for a while?  I have only had one year!
BFC-Ya, and what have you done with that year?
SB- A TON!  I eat so much better, I am so aware of what I am putting in my body and have more energy.  I am not depressed anymore (remember depression, fatso?) and am sleeping better.
BFC- Good points, but still.  CHILL OUT!

SB is quiet for a while. 
SB-I want to chill out.
BFC-I want to honor our decisions to eat well and life a balanced happy life.  I like us.
SB-ya.  I need to be alone for a while.  Can we talk later?
BFC-Take Care.  Love you.

Healthy and Skinny are not the same thing

Now everyone with me say, “DUH”.

Well, recently I have been eating really well.  Almost completely organic, mostly vegetarian, seasonally appropriate and predominantly local foods.  Feeling good about my food choices but for one thing that is “uhhmm” weighing me down.  Yep.  The weight thing is such a problem.  The number.  I didn’t weigh myself for about three years.  It was such a nice time .

That number just kills me though.  I am eating so well, but after a dinner of brown rice, tofu, broccoli and peppers I am up about two pounds.  Now, seemingly my body doesn’t like brown rice (maybe it is the phytic acid), but STILL.  I need to find another whole grain that treats me a little better.  Quinoa is good, but hubbend doesn’t like it.  I shall try kasha, amaranth and millet next.

I get frustrated when I feel like I am working so hard at this and I am still not rewarded.  (Rewarded now, that is.)  Which definitely points out one of my problems with food.  It might have altered a bit, but the fact that I think I should get a gold star for eating well tells me something is still off.  Intellectually you may know that eating well will keep you healthier in the long run and eating locally/organically is good for the environment, but is that truly what keeps you going?  Not me.  I want to eat well enough so that my body stays strong for as long as possible, but I feel like my reward should be something like, “And now, Brooke, after all that hard work, you shall be rewarded with the loss of the sugar craving.  You will now enjoy the foods you eat that sustain you and will not feel disappointed at the end of the meal because it was “so healthy” and there wasn’t a sweet reward.”

Is that too much to ask?  I guess so. <sigh>

So I am down two pounds today.  Two more to go until I am normal again.  And still I wait.  And work.  And hope some day for that reward.

New Beginnings

For the past year I have been experimenting. I have spent my time concentrating on health and nutrition. I have sought out new ways of eating; ways of eating that satisfied my body and mind. Today I registered at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, a program I learned about a year ago from a friend from high school. At the end of the twelve month program I will be a certified health and wellness coach and will be on my way towards a new career. A career that aligns well with my current interests and a lifetime of finding ways for my eating habits to support my interest in healthy movement.

I played soccer for 25 years, have been a yogi for 10 and a triathlete for three. I have worked out regularly for the past 15 years and have always worked hard to do things that were good for my body. But, I was always embarrased that my body on the outside didn't match how it felt to me on the inside. I started doing cleanses 10 years ago to help clean out my vital organs and eventually began Weight Watchers. I spent 8 years trying different diets (I gained the WW weight back after achieving Lifetime status - I think I still have the key somewhere :).

After losing weight last year I spent so much time reading about nutrition and different ways of eating. I began to feel that I had something to contribute in the field and started this blog and eventually the recipe wiki. When I heard about the IIN I loved that they say that there is no one diet that is right for everyone. That really stuck with me and over this past year I have spent time looking at various diets and the benefits they might have. And that my past experience isn't a waste, it was the path I needed to be on to find out what worked for me. This research will now serve me well as I begin a new chapter in my life.

I don't know exactly what I'll do once I finish the program. Perhaps I will look at sports nutrition, nutrition for yogis, nutrition for children. Who knows? But how exciting!