Thursday, February 25, 2010


Cauliflower “Mashed Potatoes”

Posted using ShareThis


Everyone has stories that make up who they are. Stories they may or may not tell others, but most definitely tell themselves. Some are broad - about your upbringing. Others are more specific - they explain why you behave a certain way in certain circumstances.

I have stories about moving a lot as a kid (no, my dad wasn't in the army). I have stories about my mom not eating food in front of me. I also have stories about friends, friends that fucked me over so bad that I'm a bit fucked up about friends.

But here's the thing. These stories are only pieces of me. It seems that when someone has a problem they look outside themselves and blame others. Often, they attribute the problems to some fundamental characteristic of that other person. Often they attribute their own responsibilities to something outside themselves or their control.

So, my story about moving a lot. I started out a shy kid. I have always loved to read, play soccer and play the piano. These aren't necessarily things that made me outgoing. So, we moved a lot and I stayed shy. It manifests itself differently these days. I am still shy, but probably most people don't know that. It looks awkward and trust me, I feel awkward. But, true to my upbringing I try my best to be polite and kind. I can be catty, but that is another story :).

Story two - I don't actually recall my mom eating with us. She was always serving us great, healthy food and I know she sat down and I know she ate, but I just didn't see it. I began at a very early age to hide the "bad foods" that I ate. I would hear someone come down the stairs and I would take my cookies and run. Of course, when my dad asked why all the cookies were gone I guiltily denied it. I didn't know until years later that my mom was doing the same thing.

Is it my mom's fault I have eating issues? Nope. Well, maybe it was, but it is mine now. I just can't stop thinking about those cookies in the pantry. And as much as I want to have a smooth calm life, mine is destined differently.

OK. The last one. It kind of relates to the first in a way, but in the teens and twenties I really got fucked over by friends. Not once, not twice, but three times were people (I mean women) horrendous friends in an increasingly almost evil manner. I've actually been semi-stalked by a woman. How creepy is that? So, it might not surprise you to find out I have friend issues.

Except - wait a second. These stories are beginning to sound old. Hubbend and I moved to Oregon, started clean, hunkered down for a few years and stuck to ourselves. But in the past few years we have started to come out of our shells, make friends and surround ourselves solely with good people. Good friends. I made a list earlier this week of people I truly care about expecting it to have three people on it. It was WAYYYYY longer than that.

So, not to get too Landmark-y on you, I think I need to stand in the clearing and declare my stories dead. I am a good friend and I no longer need to stand behind an old story. I have lost a lot of weight and no longer need to apologize for my size. I have lived in Oregon longer than I have anywhere in my entire life and I now feel I belong.

Goodbye old stories. Hello new ones. And thank you for being in my life. And thank you for leaving my past out of it. Oh, and if you want to be on my list, please let me know, I'd love to add you to it. Chances are though, you probably already are.

New/Old Word

So my husband said I need to stop using the word fat. Well, pondering that for about half a second gets me to the answer. I don't actually think I'm fat. Well, I have fat, but am not FAT. Fat is just a substitute for... bad, guilty, angry, disappointed. An inarticulate way of dealing with the emotion, but it is an emotion nonetheless. Usually I feel fat because I've done/eaten something and I'm angry/guilty at my self and disappointed in my body for not cutting me some fucking slack. Cause I work hard, people. I work out a TON, I mostly eat really well and even stopped fucking drinking for the most part. So, can't it just let me have some popcorn once in a while? Jeez.

I used to get so mad at those skinny chicks who would eat whatever they want and then complain. But as we've gotten older it has (and I remember thinking this would happen when I was the 20-something "bigger" chick) it all kind of blends together. Mostly, we are all about the same size. And mostly, we all complain about some bit of body or the other.

I think I need a support group where we can talk about food/food issues, but not one of those crazy Overeaters Anonymous places cause I don't have a disease. So I can be surrounded by people who actually want to DO something about how they eat and treat their bodies, not just bitch about it.

Monday, February 22, 2010

5 Minutes of Skinny

Are my 5 minutes (or six months) of skinny up? Was that my big hurrah? Cause I am not skinny any more. At least I don't think so. I look fine, don't get me wrong, but I am bigger and with that bigger makes me fear the even biggerer. What happened? Well, I think when you first lose weight you have an urgency and a willingness to do whatever you need to do to keep it off. You go a little hungry, skip meals occasionally, etc to make sure. Then you start loosening up on what you can eat. Then you start thinking that one cookie/cupcake/whatever if fine to eat. And don't get me wrong, it is fine, but when you make that decision over time it adds up- in pounds.

The thing is that I feel terribly disappointed. In myself. I LOVED being skinny. It was pretty cool when the people at the stores start looking at me and assumed I wanted dressing on the side, cause that is what skinny people do. I love that every time I grab a size of clothing I have to go back to grab the smaller size. Mostly though, I love that I don't have to buy clothes solely because they fit - I get to now make choices on clothes that I really like. That takes some getting used to. I don't want to go back to chubby/solid/sturdy Brooke. I want to be skinny Brooke.

Well, if that is true then what do I have to do? I need to be willing to be a little hungry, skip some meals and make sacrifices. Oh yes, sacrifices again. Hmmm. So, how do I do it healthfully? Because that is honestly part of the problem. I started concentrating on eating better, more healthful food (like the vegan banana bread I made yesterday) and not on the volume of food. Vegan banana bread is still bread. AND - I forgot about my 7-9 fruits/veggies rule I had in the fall.

I think I'll start there (again). I hope I can do it. I don't want to be disappointed in my body my whole life. I want to get back to loving it for it's strength, flexibility, (and perhaps rocking a bathing suit?) ;.

** 1/2 hour later - - And I think one thing that is really bugging me is how isolated I feel about this. I don't feel like I can talk about it. That bugs. So hopefully this blog will help. That is the point after all...

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Cashew Cheese for Lazy Dairy Lovers

Cashew Cheese for Lazy Dairy Lovers

I thought I could eat cheese again cause I had a milkshake with no problems. Soooo wrong. I think I'll try making this.

Posted using ShareThis

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Must have more baklava in my life!! So good. I made this for Valentine's Day treat -

I will now search for phylo dough desserts in general and baklava specifically. While it is a bit labor intensive it was so worth it. I need to post a photo. Even looks pretty good :).

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

When does it become

I am wondering when wanting a specific item becomes wanting anything. Obviously I'm talking about food and specifically a cookie. I am ok when I look forward to eating a butterscotch cookie and have one, but when I look forward to that cookie and then eat a different kind because they are out of butterscotch then I get worried. Because then it becomes a problem. Because then I am just eating cookies to eat cookies not because I would like to enjoy that flavor/texture combo. Of course, this problem as I see it comes on the heels of two different people telling me how well-adjusted I now appear and seem to have my food issues in check. Hah!

I am a creature of habit when it comes to my bad eating rituals. Apparently, I have a new one to break and it comes in the guise of health-food store cookies. A cookie is a cookie no matter how small. A little dr. seuss in there for you :).

Monday, February 1, 2010

Maple Almond Butter Cookies

Mason and I are going to make these this afternoon.

I'll post on wiki if it goes well.

Meatless Monday

So today is the first (hope I don't forget) meatless monday. Want to find out more/why? Go here. Several good reasons (heart health, environment) and I think it will also being interesting and fun.

It is truck day so we will will be hanging out waiting for the big excitement. I've been wanting to make peanut butter cookies, so maybe I'll do it.

Meatless meals?
breakfast - juice drink
lunch - superfoods salad
dinner - winter vegetable and pesto soup (I made the pesto last fall and froze it in cubes)