When’s the party?

So, I graduated today.  OK, this may be my photo from my master’s degree graduation, but I thought the day worthy of some note.

What does this mean?  Not sure, actually.  I have just began making plans for a long term sub position as a school librarian,  but I also have many plans for getting myself out there as a certified holistic health counselor. 

What  I have noticed over the past few months as my life has been consumed by a seemingly unending comedy of things gone wrong is that I revert to my quiet self.  The self that likes being a librarian because then I don’t have to talk as much.  The person that was drawn to library science, cataloguing, and the general life-long love I have had of libraries. 

There is a difference now.  I talk about going to the school and finding new clients there.  I need to get myself out into the world to find them.  That scares me, but I know they are out there just beyond my reach. 

So Happy Graduation, me, and I hope that this transition will bring more nuanced fulfillment and a continuing evolvement of that thing that is being Brooke.

Sigh

SO.

(sung to melody of children’s “bone” song)

Knee pain is connected to the tibia

Hip pain is connected to the knee

Head pain is connected to the tired mind

Shoulder pain is connected to the … (oh wait, I haven’t figured that one out yet)

Surgery it is, folks.  Sigh.

September 15 I will no longer be whole, but an altered being sewn together by someone other than whoever created me to begin this whole thing called life.

I think I might have to mourn than more than the loss of soccer, but the loss of whole. self.  me. 

The Facebook Project

I’ve got a project in the works for this month that I am calling the Facebook Project.  I have recently become annoyed with my use of the facebooks (as I like to call it).  There are perfectly reasonable uses: mom’s group, bookclub, coordinating out of town friends.  I like these uses, but the time I spend (wasting) just looking on the newsfeed is annoying.  This is what I do instead of living my own life.  So I propose to live my own life this month by spending the 1/2 hour (conservative estimate) I spend wasting on the facebooks in phone calls.  I will call one person a day.  Do you want to be on the phone call list?  Let me know and I will happily do so.

I will still do things like posting this awesome photo from our family vacation:

But I will NOT waste my time.  This should be interesting… I’ve kind of forgotten how to talk on the phone. 

Confusion Reigneth

I am so confused about what to eat right now.  Not something you would expect to hear from one immersed in a nutrition school, but that is the case.  Between my diet experiments over the last few years and learning about all the dietary theories over the past 7 months I just have no idea how I am supposed to eat. 

So, let’s assess:

Vegetables are good. Fill me up, digestion awesomeness ensues (can’t only eat vegetables, so…)

Meat – a bit of a moral issue there now.  Although if you have happy chickens at home I would be happy to eat your eggs.  Fish is on my questionable list right now too.  Have been eating some, but not really happy about it.  Beef.  Beef I just have this bad memory of this nasty rotten eggs taste I had in my mouth after I ate it.  And it was good, local beef.  hmm.

Fruit – LOVE apples, most fruit.  all good.  especially blueberries.

Nuts – tend to go a little crazy on them, but they are good in general (must keep watch)

Legumes – yummmy and good.  Must remember to get fermented foods in though when eating them.

Dairy – only if fermented or on the rare special occasion.

Soy – try to mimimize non fermented varieties, but good digestively for me

Grains – only eat these in the morning or they can give my indigestion in the afternoon

Fats- trying to lower that (keeping to avocado and nuts)

Sugar makes me run around like a bobble-headed tweety bird.

Caffeine is ok a little bit at a time, but I can’t sleep very well with much in my system.

I am about 2 weeks into not weighing myself and not eating any specific way.  I am just eating my recommended allowance of fruits/veg (5-9 servings).  I am not limiting.  Other than 5-9 servings of fruit/veg a day I eat what I want.

I might not be as skinny as I was, but I think I need to say screw it for now.  Being healthy is more important than being skinny. 

The last time I tried (hubbend remembers that as the Oreo year) was when I read Intuitive Eating and Overcoming Overeating.  Both good books, but now I am in such a better place that I can do it truly.  Without the oreos .

We are all different.  We all digest differently, have different tastes, energy needs and ability to transfer food into energy.  We all have unique needs, bodies, minds and processes.  And we are all living different lives that fulfill us, stress us and nurture us differently.

This is what is going on with me right now.  Actually nice to have it written down so I can track it.

Self Acceptance

This topic has been a long time in the making. 

It took a while to figure out that body/self image wasn’t all about the weight.  Interestingly though, it took losing weight to realize it.  Not sure I would have got there.  “Big and loving it” was never going to be my style.

So when I lost the weight and realized everything wasn’t perfect (something I knew intellectually, but not really) I had to finish my work.  My work on being okay with me.

Because self acceptance isn’t just about being okay with my weight, it is being okay with my body, being okay with my role in this world, the way I relate to people and how my mind works.  And that doesn’t happen over night.

So now my daily work continues.  I work on accepting that I eat differently than a lot of people.  That I am a bit extreme in my relationship with my body, but that relationship is healthy for me.  Not anyone else but me.

I am finding purpose in helping others through their journey.  I hope that my struggles will make it easier on them, but know that I needed (as always) to take the hard path.  I am working hard to be happy in my relationship with my son (a struggle every day) and I am trying to reach out more fully to those in my life that I love. 

We’ll see what the next step is.  I don’t know, but I know that I will be ready for it.   Does that make me an optimist?  Nahhh.  Don’t talk crazy.

A changing

You know that feeling that you have when you are full?  Sounds nice, but in reality it isn’t.  Especially when you’ve been eating to fullness for consecutive days.  And then when you go to yoga and try to move and bend your body.  Then it really doesn’t feel good. 

You see, I’ve been feeling like my diet isn’t quite right the last few days.  So I’ve been trying to eat foods that have been satisfying me these past two months, but they feel too heavy, and still not satisfying.  I realized with the changing weather I needed to head to the library to finally pick up my John Douillard book.  (This book is ok thus far, but does anyone have a better Ayurveda book?  I feel like it is too rudimentary for me.) Anyway, I started reading last night so that I could figure out what is going on in the spring for my vata (pitta) diet. 

What I’ve figured out thus far: Spring is kapha time.  Heavy and wet.  More mucus so I should stay away from dairy oilds (I think).  I need to eat bitter foods, less oils and fats… (Those should have been stored up from the winter foods.)  So, I need to back off the fats, oils, nuts, avocado, coconut and eat more the bitter and pungent leafy greens.  This should change the makeup of my morning smoothie a bit. 

Warmer winds and rain,

sleep problems

Diet might need a change.

Time to move

with Mother Earth.

What is next -

Look inside

Find the truth

Not the blame.

Self Love

Upon getting engaged in 2001 my mom suggested the hubbend and I go to couples counseling.  We found a great guy and went for quite a while.  This awesome dude came up with the phrase , “There is a lot of Brooke in the room” as a way of expressing all that I have to offer and all that I am.  While this phrase is definitely used between us with specific connotations, over the years I have felt like I have become less and less present.  Like that phrase is no longer relevant.

And then recently, ironically, I have been feeling more recently.  Ironically in that as I have shrunk in size I am becoming more of a full person.  Losing the shroud of depression I have regained my personality in a smaller sized frame.  Simultaneously inspired and deadened.  Full of possibility, but irrepressibly cranky.  It is strange in my life.  And I think it is impinging on my relationships.

I have circled around it, but have realized some of it is due to the lessening of some of my support structure.  Hubbend is so busy at work and my parents are across the world.  I have finally begun to feel like I have something to contribute and am feeling constricted by my role as mom.  You see I have never been a mom who was in love with being a mom.  I love my son, but I don’t love the role of mom.  I am a good mom, not great, but know that my son is getting all that he needs through my care, my husband’s special relationship with him and my parent’s caretaking of him on a regular basis.  Right now there isn’t as much help and our life is fraying at the edges.

I am trying to move forward in my life with a potential for fulfillment and I need more to do so.  I need to be able to push forward into these changes so that I find this true meaning.  With change comes challenge.  We are ready for it, but unprepared with how to make those changes a reality.

I know that change can make everything uncomfortable for a while.  I am okay with that.  But not sure about others.  So there is the ride of life again…………..  There is going to be more Brooke in the room. We’ll see how that goes.

Colon Cleanse (pt 1 of 2)

I started the Blessed Herbs Colon Cleanse December 30 with the hubbend.  The first three days are designed to regulate your digestion and lower your food intake in preparation for the fasting portion. 

Day One I ate some cooked foods, but days 2 and 3 I was completely raw.  I also had a headache (low grade) all three days.  At first I thought it was caffeine, but finally decided it must be sugar withdrawal.  Also, a lingering two week old cough disappeared on Day Two.

Colon Cleanse Day 2

Day Three I was exceptionally cranky and had no energy.

The first day of the fast I felt much better amazingly.  Had energy and even went on a (rather paltry) run.

Day Four

The cleanse went a lot better this time than the last time.  I regularly was eliminating some weirdweird stuff. 

Day Seven

This has been interesting and nice that it was successful.  I have had really stable moods, which I really enjoy.  I am ready for it to be done, but am anticipating the next step – the Internal Cleanse!  I am also really ready for food.  Surprised?  Stay tuned for more on my January Experiment 2011!

* Not sure why audio and video aren’t synced.  Will have to work that out if I keep using this format.   Hope you enjoy it!!

Then again

Once again the rules have changed and I am slightly behind in figuring it out.  I am not the most intuitive person so I am not surprised just glad that it finally sunk in.

What am I talking about?  The vague references aren’t clear?  It might be my lack of clarity which explains my lack of ability to clearly elucidate my thoughts.

I am sitting here sweating because I have had coffee which my body evidently doesn’t need.  Lemme go get a glass of cool water and I’ll be back.

OK.  Will henceforth start spilling it~ I have been eating too many carbs!  What?  How did that happen?  Well, after spending one year eschewing them as a way to maintain weight, this fall I started adding root vegetables and whole grains meaningfully into my diet.  Why you ask?  Well, this summer I didn’t have enough umph during my Olympic Triathlon and part of that was due to not enough carbohydrates in my diet.  Because complex carbs are good for endurance athletes.  The fiber slows down the absorption giving your body energy over time. 

So, what is the deal now?  Well, I am not training for a triathlon right now.  I work out, but just not as hard or for as long.  I don’t need all those carbs in my diet to keep my body keeping on.  I need to back off a bit.  Cause the belly is bugging me. 

In the spring I can come back to this, but I need for find my balance for now.  For winter.  Which is different than spring when I am training for running.  Which is different than summer when I am actively training and competing.  Which is different than fall.  Wow, this stuff isn’t easy.  And everyone is different. 

The body is amazing and complex, isn’t it?

Finally. Binding my cookies.

About a year ago I found out that I had some problems digesting dairy and eggs.  Honestly, I ignored the eggs, but concentrated on removing dairy from my diet as that resonated with me as having caused me digestive distress.  However, as I was in experimentation mode at the time I went about trying to replace the eggs in my baking.  I tried tofu, mashed bananas and a few others (didn’t try the egg replacer stuff as it didn’t seem like a healthy thing to do).  None of them worked.  I gave up.
About 1 month ago someone said something to me that jolted me in the recognition that perhaps eggs could be causing me more subtle problems.  And shortly afterwards realized I felt horribly during a run.  What had I eaten right beforehand?  eggs.  Uh oh.
So here I am after 14 months of diet experimentation and I am starting anew with something that I should have done a while ago.  I am going to remove all eggs and dairy from my diet for two weeks.  Every ounce.  Not a speck.  Let’s see how that goes.
Wow.  Was that a tangent.  What I meant to say was, “Today I made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and replaced one of the eggs with flax seeds.”  Really exciting for me cause it totally worked.  A friend mentioned chia seeds to me as a great egg replacer and upon looking chia seeds in my handy Whole Foods Encyclopedia I found that flax seeds could work as well.  (Not quite as well, so I am going to get some chia seeds soon.)  I am going to try to replace both the eggs in my cookies next time.  I am pretty excited right now because I am having no distress from eating the cookies.  The chips were non dairy so I am feeling happy having made yummy cookies.  yay!
*  On a side note, hubbend and I are starting a new thing where he asks me about a nutrition concept and I research it and explain it to him.  I’ll get back to you on that.  Yesterday was lecithin.

New Beginnings

For the past year I have been experimenting. I have spent my time concentrating on health and nutrition. I have sought out new ways of eating; ways of eating that satisfied my body and mind. Today I registered at the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, a program I learned about a year ago from a friend from high school. At the end of the twelve month program I will be a certified health and wellness coach and will be on my way towards a new career. A career that aligns well with my current interests and a lifetime of finding ways for my eating habits to support my interest in healthy movement.

I played soccer for 25 years, have been a yogi for 10 and a triathlete for three. I have worked out regularly for the past 15 years and have always worked hard to do things that were good for my body. But, I was always embarrased that my body on the outside didn't match how it felt to me on the inside. I started doing cleanses 10 years ago to help clean out my vital organs and eventually began Weight Watchers. I spent 8 years trying different diets (I gained the WW weight back after achieving Lifetime status - I think I still have the key somewhere :).

After losing weight last year I spent so much time reading about nutrition and different ways of eating. I began to feel that I had something to contribute in the field and started this blog and eventually the recipe wiki. When I heard about the IIN I loved that they say that there is no one diet that is right for everyone. That really stuck with me and over this past year I have spent time looking at various diets and the benefits they might have. And that my past experience isn't a waste, it was the path I needed to be on to find out what worked for me. This research will now serve me well as I begin a new chapter in my life.

I don't know exactly what I'll do once I finish the program. Perhaps I will look at sports nutrition, nutrition for yogis, nutrition for children. Who knows? But how exciting!