What are you… selling?

I have long resisted any kind of sales position.  I was a teller in college.  That didn’t sell any stocks.  I was a event manager… that didn’t sell banking relationships.  I was a development associate… that didn’t sell theater tickets.  I have long resisted any job that relied on me selling anything.  Anything that relied on myself.

Today my hubbend reminded me that I don’t sell weight loss.  I sell health counseling.  Clients (and I) get caught up in our goals, but really, when some hires me who wants to lose weight they are buying something I can’t deliver.  I cannot lose weight for someone else.  They have to do it themselves.  Weight loss isn’t easy.  It isn’t simple.  It takes hard work, a dedication to a goal, and a prioritization that many don’t have.  (which is why so many fail)

So I wonder why I am doing this rather sales related job (something I have long denied doing) when it is something that has such a high failure rate?  It is something I finally believe in.  Something that is so important.  Something that our lives depend on.

I don’t want to live my life in ill health.  I want to thrive.  I want to live a life of being, feeling, thinking and doing.  All within the harmony of living.

Don’t you?

Sigh

SO.

(sung to melody of children’s “bone” song)

Knee pain is connected to the tibia

Hip pain is connected to the knee

Head pain is connected to the tired mind

Shoulder pain is connected to the … (oh wait, I haven’t figured that one out yet)

Surgery it is, folks.  Sigh.

September 15 I will no longer be whole, but an altered being sewn together by someone other than whoever created me to begin this whole thing called life.

I think I might have to mourn than more than the loss of soccer, but the loss of whole. self.  me. 

The Facebook Project

I’ve got a project in the works for this month that I am calling the Facebook Project.  I have recently become annoyed with my use of the facebooks (as I like to call it).  There are perfectly reasonable uses: mom’s group, bookclub, coordinating out of town friends.  I like these uses, but the time I spend (wasting) just looking on the newsfeed is annoying.  This is what I do instead of living my own life.  So I propose to live my own life this month by spending the 1/2 hour (conservative estimate) I spend wasting on the facebooks in phone calls.  I will call one person a day.  Do you want to be on the phone call list?  Let me know and I will happily do so.

I will still do things like posting this awesome photo from our family vacation:

But I will NOT waste my time.  This should be interesting… I’ve kind of forgotten how to talk on the phone. 

Disordered Eating

Is a highly episodic and cyclical problem.  Whether it is body image issue or a food related issue you can solve it for a while, but it comes back if you let it.  It is sneaky.

When you find yourself struggling with food cravings, energy issues or bad patterns old or new there are some things you can look at to help:

1- Disordered eating usually rears it’s head when something is off in your life. Observe: is something lacking in your life, or how are you out of balance?

2-Notice how the pattern emerges (daily, hourly).  Does it look different than last time? Then…

3-Think how how you worked it out last time, is that structure still in place?  If not, would that work again?  If so, what has changed?

4- If it is new think about what is going on (probably outside of food) and notice if that brings up an emotional or food response in you.

5- Talk to someone.  Talk to someone who won’t judge you.  Someone who will listen to you and help you reflect on what is going on in your life and who makes you feel supported.

Does it help to know you are not alone?  You are not.  There are so many people out there with disordered eating issues big and small.  We all hide it.  Be proud of yourself for being aware.  Now move on to the next step and find ways to love yourself without food!

Take Care.

Health v Responsibility

Some make food decisions based on what tastes good, some on what is good for them and some of what they believe to be the right decision for the world/animals/environment.

Not all the time, I imagine.  Can you actually make those kinds of weighty decisions on a daily basis?  If you ever eat outside the home you know that you are abdicating your decision somewhat for the convenience.  Even restaurants I think of as healthy don’t have the ability to do the due diligence on all of their food (and is it even fiscally responsible for them to do so anyway?).

Health can be taken in a larger scheme.  My health and my family’s health can impact the health system if don’t use it as much.  But you can’t really think in those terms when deciding whether or not to eat the donut.

I used to think the organic term was crap.  But the more I learned about what is being done to the food we ingest the more it began to resonate.  I want to eat happy food.  I don’t want to eat antibiotics and chemicals and hormones.  Oddly though I went to organic produce first.  Is it easier?  Organic meat is another, more complex story it seems to me.  There is so much that goes into the growing, feeding, keeping healthy, killing and processing animal products that it is a harder (or easier perhaps if you just don’t do it) decision to make as the complexities are different for everyone. 

So do you eat food for your health?  Because you are concerned what is happening politically with the food industry?  Do you eat the food you can buy at the store you shop at? 

Are you tired yet?  I am.  Where is the bacon?  Not for me, but my hubbend and son.  They have to make the decision for themselves.  So do you.

Self Acceptance

This topic has been a long time in the making. 

It took a while to figure out that body/self image wasn’t all about the weight.  Interestingly though, it took losing weight to realize it.  Not sure I would have got there.  “Big and loving it” was never going to be my style.

So when I lost the weight and realized everything wasn’t perfect (something I knew intellectually, but not really) I had to finish my work.  My work on being okay with me.

Because self acceptance isn’t just about being okay with my weight, it is being okay with my body, being okay with my role in this world, the way I relate to people and how my mind works.  And that doesn’t happen over night.

So now my daily work continues.  I work on accepting that I eat differently than a lot of people.  That I am a bit extreme in my relationship with my body, but that relationship is healthy for me.  Not anyone else but me.

I am finding purpose in helping others through their journey.  I hope that my struggles will make it easier on them, but know that I needed (as always) to take the hard path.  I am working hard to be happy in my relationship with my son (a struggle every day) and I am trying to reach out more fully to those in my life that I love. 

We’ll see what the next step is.  I don’t know, but I know that I will be ready for it.   Does that make me an optimist?  Nahhh.  Don’t talk crazy.

I give

I have begun to think I’m a bad cook. I really was a bad cook, but over the past few years while staying home with my son I have become quite good (at least we think so).  One facet of my personality is that I get bored easily.  I am always trying out new recipes and searching for great ways to prepare foods I love.  So this raw thing sounded like a new fun challenge.  I started in January with my cleanse and when that was over I just kept on going.  Now some time has past and I have realized something.  The vegan(ish) part?  No problem.  The raw food part?  Ummm, that has been issue-laden.  After 2.5 months I am tired of making highly labor intensive foods that are frankly gross.  When making raw foods you don’t cook, but I am beginning to feel like I am a bad preparer of foods.  And it is taking it’s toll on my cooking psyche.

In case you are wondering, what are things I will never try again?  Pizza.  It is meant to be cooked.  Dehydrating does not will not can not get you the warm gooeyness that is pizza.  And you really need cheese.  Really.  Brussels sprouts.  That might have happened accidently as I love dehydrated broccoli, but the raw bs experience almost killed my fantastic love affair with Brussels sprouts.  So I will stick to my awesome roasted recipe.

At this point I will keep six raw recipes.  Lasagna (for special occasions), Pad Thai, two different kale salads, sprouted buckwheat porridge and a dehydrated portobello mushroom, cashew mayo on almond bread sandwich.  They are all good and will remain in the rotation.  I also enjoy sprouting beans/lentils/grains, raw hummus, all raw smoothies, and a few other ways of incorporating rawness into our eating.

So, I will try to find new recipes this summer.  But I need a break.  I need to rebuild my cooking psyche so I can feel the confidence to once more boldly prepare raw recipes that might just suck.

Self Soothing

I have just returned from my traditional runningerrandsaturday.  One of my last stops was at JC Penny’s to return a curtain rod where I found I was unable to clearly articulate what I needed to do. (Return a curtain rod)  When I finally got out my words I apologized for being so inarticulate (in my normal self-deprecating way) and the cashier suggested I go get a black/ white mocha from Starbucks.  She peppily stated that she had just got one and it really worked for her.  I looked at her, blinked, and paused, trying to get my brain to function whereupon I stated, “I don’t drink caffeine”.  At this point she blinked and seemed entirely confused.  This gave my brain the time to clear as I took a breath and tried to figure out what I really needed.

And I realized it was simple - To sit down.  To breathe.  For a moment.  And do nothing else.

In the past I might have done just what she suggested – go get some caffeine and get that amped feeling that courses through me.  But then the subsequent crash happens and I am back where I started.

So.  I am glad I listened to my body.  And it makes me wonder, what do most people do to self soothe?  Do you listen to what your body actually needs?  Or do you try to fix what is wrong by powering through using external stimuli? 

At this point in my life I am no longer trying to fix my bad parts, but to enhance the good.  I’d love to hear other simple self soothing techniques you have for when you are too busy and frazzled.

Food Grouch

I have recently become a large fan of this blog written by someone who calls herself the Wellness Bitch.  And yesterday after ready a post on FB where someone totally attacked this person for her food choices (she had started a detox) I went to the WB and read something that resonated. 

Why do you think being negative would be productive in getting someone to change their eating habits?  Because I surely turn inward when someone attacks me.  The WB talked about how you sometimes feel like you are the only one standing up for your food choices.  That you feel weird.  And outside.  I don’t feel that way all the time, but I do sometimes.

Sure, it would be lovely if I had grown up a completely different person who didn’t care about food and just blithely went along making good food choices.  Doesn’t that sound great?  But I didn’t and I don’t.  I work hard at this.  I made great food (and horrible food) in this experiment of life that I call eating food that sustains me.  I shop in the bulk and produces sections solely these days in my vegan eating choices with an occasional trip down Tofu Way.

My son doesn’t like the look of these foods understandably (they don’t look at all like a grilled cheese sandwich), but I have to hope that what I am doing will positively impact him.  I don’t want him to struggle like I have.  I am proud that he knows all the vegetables by name in the house and knows food by the glass jar in the pantry, not by the packaging.

I am sorry if I’m a grouch, but this food thing isn’t easy.  The body changes as do the seasons and with that change comes a new set of foods to eat and learn how to cook.  I want to help people (my son, my husband, my family, my clients) make good food choices so they can be healthy for them.  I want people to understand that food isn’t always about hunger, but emotion and the past.  And this is ok.  I am doing the work so I can help others as well as myself.  And to make the decision to finally choose themselves.  Fully.

We all liked Oscar anyway, right?

Self Care

The hubbend and I have conversations occasionally about the past and how things might have gone differently.  Like, what if we hadn’t left Colorado?  What if we hadn’t met?  What if we hadn’t had a child?

I assert that leaving Colorado was the best decision of my life.  And if we hadn’t had a child I have to wonder if I would still be a Library Media Specialist for the Harold Oliver Intermediate School going on my fifth year now. 

One of the questions on the Health History consultation is: when was the time you felt best in your life.  I confidently state it is now.  Why?  Because I have finally learned how to take care of myself.  At 35 I feel the fittest, happiest and most fulfilled I have ever felt.  Which is why I found myself thinking about the past this morning.  If I were a LMS at HO would I have learned all I have about my body and it’s potential in the past 5 years?  Is there something about having a child that, ironically, has taught me how to take care of myself?  Interesting that being a mom could teach me to have better self care in that this is the time most mom’s neglect themselves.

How do you take care of yourself?  I do it through exercise, but that is something that has developed over the years.  Yes, I have always exercised.  First, to make sure I was in shape enough to play soccer and then just because it was what I did.  Now, I get so much more from it.  I do laps in the pool and instead of being bored I find myself solving problems.  I run and get to spend time with friends or just enjoy the fresh air.  I practice yoga in a healing space that grounds me yet allows me to fly.  It is more than cardiovascular now.  It is spiritual.  Weird.  Cool.

So I ask again, how do you take care of yourself?  And if you don’t know, pleaseplease think about it.  And then build it into your day.

Take Care.

Healthy and Skinny are not the same thing

Now everyone with me say, “DUH”.

Well, recently I have been eating really well.  Almost completely organic, mostly vegetarian, seasonally appropriate and predominantly local foods.  Feeling good about my food choices but for one thing that is “uhhmm” weighing me down.  Yep.  The weight thing is such a problem.  The number.  I didn’t weigh myself for about three years.  It was such a nice time .

That number just kills me though.  I am eating so well, but after a dinner of brown rice, tofu, broccoli and peppers I am up about two pounds.  Now, seemingly my body doesn’t like brown rice (maybe it is the phytic acid), but STILL.  I need to find another whole grain that treats me a little better.  Quinoa is good, but hubbend doesn’t like it.  I shall try kasha, amaranth and millet next.

I get frustrated when I feel like I am working so hard at this and I am still not rewarded.  (Rewarded now, that is.)  Which definitely points out one of my problems with food.  It might have altered a bit, but the fact that I think I should get a gold star for eating well tells me something is still off.  Intellectually you may know that eating well will keep you healthier in the long run and eating locally/organically is good for the environment, but is that truly what keeps you going?  Not me.  I want to eat well enough so that my body stays strong for as long as possible, but I feel like my reward should be something like, “And now, Brooke, after all that hard work, you shall be rewarded with the loss of the sugar craving.  You will now enjoy the foods you eat that sustain you and will not feel disappointed at the end of the meal because it was “so healthy” and there wasn’t a sweet reward.”

Is that too much to ask?  I guess so. <sigh>

So I am down two pounds today.  Two more to go until I am normal again.  And still I wait.  And work.  And hope some day for that reward.

Projections

I need a project.  Something meaningful.  I think Christmas decorating will be fun, but I don’t think that will be enough.  With the advent of January I will begin my month-long cleanse.  This year's iteration will contain a whole body cleanse… different than years past projects in that I mostly removed items from my diet.  Or last year when I tested out various diets.  This year has been one big long experiment in diet and eating and to end the year I need something to end it meaningfully.  Winter isn’t the time for intense tri training so that can’t be it either.  See, I have rather thought it through.
The thing that seems fitting is introspection.  But how is that a project?  At a time of year lent to parties, consumption of treats/alcohol,  and gift giving/receiving, how do I spend it introspecting without coming out feeling like I’ve missed out on the joy of the season?
So, my project.  Something calming, warming, honoring of the season of fires, hibernating,  yet filled with holiday cheer.  I love a challenge .

What makes you happy

I finished reading a book that made me happy this morning.  Thus combining two things that make me happy: reading and quiet early mornings.  This book was written by a slow food adapter who gave serenity to every eating experience in the book.

I thought about what makes me happy this week, asking friends and FBers alike.  I thought myself for a while that it would be reading.  Often I answer that question with “reading a good book in a hammock”.  And while this definitely ranks way up there in my list of favorite things to do, the thing that makes me happy, the thing I do for me is yoga.

 

Yoga makes me happy.  I took teacher training about five years ago.  I thought I would teach and then I became afraid.  Not of teaching, but of missing out on my own practice.  Now.  I have even less time to myself and for myself and that concern remains.

 

But.  It might be time.

 

I think it is.

 

But will they come?

me and my nerds

So I think I have been going about it the wrong way.  I just listened to a lesson on feeding your family and the key to feeding your family is not to force them, but to show them the way.  Now I thought I was doing this, but my hubbend's and my view on nutrition is drastically different.  And if modeling was effective then my son would like kale a lot more than the mac n cheese/chicken nuggets/fried rice options my hubbend presents to him 1-2 times a week. Because he totally eats whatever J eats.  He automatically hates my food (no matter how much J acts out loving the food at dinner) and loves what they eat together.  I have less of a problem with J's food as he is an adult male who chooses his own path, as my son who will soon go to school and will have to make healthy decisions for himself.  Well - this scares me.  Because school food is sooooo gross.  And the paternal side of the family has eating/digestive issues that could totally be diet managed.  But they don't care to.  and I can't control it.  BUT I want to.  BUT I CAN'T.

All I can control is myself and that barely.  I think I am the last person who should be in charge of someone elses nutrition.  Weird that this is what I choose as my next career.  Probably will be successful because I will work with people who want to make a change in their diet/nutrition/lifestyle vs the people I live with.  They are content. 

Wouldn't that be nice?  To just be content.  at peace.  love myself and where I was at?  But that is the essence of me.  I want more.  I want to do a Half-Ironman.  I want to eat better (more responsibly).  I want to be a good person.  I want to have a healthy social life.  I want more.  I always have.  I honestly I think that is ok.  That is who I am.  Those who love me do so knowing that about me.  And I love them for knowing that.

I love you.

And I really do hug well.  You'd be amazed how good a Brooke hug can be.

Deservation

So I ate a very yummy orange poppyseed piece of cake today. I was at the grocery store and thought I deserved it. It was very good. I had just come from a bike ride so I probably did, right? But what is deserving? And do I deserve a treat EVERY time I exercise? That seems a dangerous proposition. I am training for a triathlon so I am exercising every day. I have read that some people eat treats only on the weekend or S-days. I generally eat a treat if a really good one is presented to me. But really, I don't need treats that often. They just make me high and oh-so-very low. Not to mention the fact that I might be sabotaging my good eating habits by continuously adding sweets to my eating regimen.

Did I deserve a treat today? No. I was just hungry after working out for three hours. I had a treat yesterday. I didn't need one today. But mindlessness gets in the way. And singlemindedness towards the goal of one "deserved treat that looks super yummy and I can't get my mind off of it so I must eat it".

Should get back to my book now. I think it has good stuff. Nothing mind blowing. Just seems to be the right language, the right cadence and enough common background to be just what I need right now. Me, Food and God. We'll see.