Kuuuu neeeee

My knee hurts

I ran a bit today to keep from getting totally drenched.  Yes, it is July and  still spring here, but that is another story.

My knee hurts.

I might have high expectations for my body and what I want it to do.

But running one block is not high.  Can’t everyone run ONE block?  If they can’t well I don’t want to be everyone anyway.

</end bitching>

Sigh

SO.

(sung to melody of children’s “bone” song)

Knee pain is connected to the tibia

Hip pain is connected to the knee

Head pain is connected to the tired mind

Shoulder pain is connected to the … (oh wait, I haven’t figured that one out yet)

Surgery it is, folks.  Sigh.

September 15 I will no longer be whole, but an altered being sewn together by someone other than whoever created me to begin this whole thing called life.

I think I might have to mourn than more than the loss of soccer, but the loss of whole. self.  me. 

Wherein Brooke realizes there is a lot to this eating thing

I recently read Eating Animals by Jonathon Safron Foer.  This book definitely grossed me out with its imagery,  sent me over the edge, and drove the hubbend crazy (due to my eternal badgering him over the grossness of eating meat). Now I am reading Omnivores Dilemma again and I am waiting for Michael Pollan to react the same way.  I am reading it wondering, how can you see all you have seen and still eat meat?  Yet he does. 

I am happy to say I have relaxed on my hubbend and now don’t badger him at all on the subject, but as this loosening occurs and the longer time passes from reading that book (EA) the more I lose my own grip on the subject.  To some degree the ability to eat meat comes from forgetting that the meat comes from an animal and the process it took to get there.  So I sit and wonder how bad the honey chicken from the Chinese restaurant could be.  The answer?  It isn’t if you are ok with eating chicken.  But to make the leap back into eating meat makes that chicken not feel like the right choice.  So, what is the right choice?  And why?

There are so many external factors and influences to how you eat.  Sometimes it is hard to know what to do and the more information you get the more confusing it can be.  Sometimes I just want to eat something and not care about it.  I want to eat it not caring how I am going to feel, look and how ethical the process is that got that food in front of me.  Sometimes, but not often I wish I could unlearn all that I have learned and go back to eating badly.

But then.  Isn’t that what eating is supposed to be?  Isn’t eating supposed to be about what your body wants and not the mind?  It isn’t supposed to be about rules and calories and nutritional bytes.  My body needs this food to fuel my activities and mind converting it to energy and future thoughts.

How do I get there?  Because that is really the goal in all this.  To eat.  Mindfully yet honoring the body. Enjoying the food that sustains me.  How do I do this? 

I don’t know. And I’m bummed.

Disordered Eating

Is a highly episodic and cyclical problem.  Whether it is body image issue or a food related issue you can solve it for a while, but it comes back if you let it.  It is sneaky.

When you find yourself struggling with food cravings, energy issues or bad patterns old or new there are some things you can look at to help:

1- Disordered eating usually rears it’s head when something is off in your life. Observe: is something lacking in your life, or how are you out of balance?

2-Notice how the pattern emerges (daily, hourly).  Does it look different than last time? Then…

3-Think how how you worked it out last time, is that structure still in place?  If not, would that work again?  If so, what has changed?

4- If it is new think about what is going on (probably outside of food) and notice if that brings up an emotional or food response in you.

5- Talk to someone.  Talk to someone who won’t judge you.  Someone who will listen to you and help you reflect on what is going on in your life and who makes you feel supported.

Does it help to know you are not alone?  You are not.  There are so many people out there with disordered eating issues big and small.  We all hide it.  Be proud of yourself for being aware.  Now move on to the next step and find ways to love yourself without food!

Take Care.

A changing

You know that feeling that you have when you are full?  Sounds nice, but in reality it isn’t.  Especially when you’ve been eating to fullness for consecutive days.  And then when you go to yoga and try to move and bend your body.  Then it really doesn’t feel good. 

You see, I’ve been feeling like my diet isn’t quite right the last few days.  So I’ve been trying to eat foods that have been satisfying me these past two months, but they feel too heavy, and still not satisfying.  I realized with the changing weather I needed to head to the library to finally pick up my John Douillard book.  (This book is ok thus far, but does anyone have a better Ayurveda book?  I feel like it is too rudimentary for me.) Anyway, I started reading last night so that I could figure out what is going on in the spring for my vata (pitta) diet. 

What I’ve figured out thus far: Spring is kapha time.  Heavy and wet.  More mucus so I should stay away from dairy oilds (I think).  I need to eat bitter foods, less oils and fats… (Those should have been stored up from the winter foods.)  So, I need to back off the fats, oils, nuts, avocado, coconut and eat more the bitter and pungent leafy greens.  This should change the makeup of my morning smoothie a bit. 

Warmer winds and rain,

sleep problems

Diet might need a change.

Time to move

with Mother Earth.

What is next -

Look inside

Find the truth

Not the blame.

Self Care

The hubbend and I have conversations occasionally about the past and how things might have gone differently.  Like, what if we hadn’t left Colorado?  What if we hadn’t met?  What if we hadn’t had a child?

I assert that leaving Colorado was the best decision of my life.  And if we hadn’t had a child I have to wonder if I would still be a Library Media Specialist for the Harold Oliver Intermediate School going on my fifth year now. 

One of the questions on the Health History consultation is: when was the time you felt best in your life.  I confidently state it is now.  Why?  Because I have finally learned how to take care of myself.  At 35 I feel the fittest, happiest and most fulfilled I have ever felt.  Which is why I found myself thinking about the past this morning.  If I were a LMS at HO would I have learned all I have about my body and it’s potential in the past 5 years?  Is there something about having a child that, ironically, has taught me how to take care of myself?  Interesting that being a mom could teach me to have better self care in that this is the time most mom’s neglect themselves.

How do you take care of yourself?  I do it through exercise, but that is something that has developed over the years.  Yes, I have always exercised.  First, to make sure I was in shape enough to play soccer and then just because it was what I did.  Now, I get so much more from it.  I do laps in the pool and instead of being bored I find myself solving problems.  I run and get to spend time with friends or just enjoy the fresh air.  I practice yoga in a healing space that grounds me yet allows me to fly.  It is more than cardiovascular now.  It is spiritual.  Weird.  Cool.

So I ask again, how do you take care of yourself?  And if you don’t know, pleaseplease think about it.  And then build it into your day.

Take Care.

Healthy and Skinny are not the same thing

Now everyone with me say, “DUH”.

Well, recently I have been eating really well.  Almost completely organic, mostly vegetarian, seasonally appropriate and predominantly local foods.  Feeling good about my food choices but for one thing that is “uhhmm” weighing me down.  Yep.  The weight thing is such a problem.  The number.  I didn’t weigh myself for about three years.  It was such a nice time .

That number just kills me though.  I am eating so well, but after a dinner of brown rice, tofu, broccoli and peppers I am up about two pounds.  Now, seemingly my body doesn’t like brown rice (maybe it is the phytic acid), but STILL.  I need to find another whole grain that treats me a little better.  Quinoa is good, but hubbend doesn’t like it.  I shall try kasha, amaranth and millet next.

I get frustrated when I feel like I am working so hard at this and I am still not rewarded.  (Rewarded now, that is.)  Which definitely points out one of my problems with food.  It might have altered a bit, but the fact that I think I should get a gold star for eating well tells me something is still off.  Intellectually you may know that eating well will keep you healthier in the long run and eating locally/organically is good for the environment, but is that truly what keeps you going?  Not me.  I want to eat well enough so that my body stays strong for as long as possible, but I feel like my reward should be something like, “And now, Brooke, after all that hard work, you shall be rewarded with the loss of the sugar craving.  You will now enjoy the foods you eat that sustain you and will not feel disappointed at the end of the meal because it was “so healthy” and there wasn’t a sweet reward.”

Is that too much to ask?  I guess so. <sigh>

So I am down two pounds today.  Two more to go until I am normal again.  And still I wait.  And work.  And hope some day for that reward.

Then again

Once again the rules have changed and I am slightly behind in figuring it out.  I am not the most intuitive person so I am not surprised just glad that it finally sunk in.

What am I talking about?  The vague references aren’t clear?  It might be my lack of clarity which explains my lack of ability to clearly elucidate my thoughts.

I am sitting here sweating because I have had coffee which my body evidently doesn’t need.  Lemme go get a glass of cool water and I’ll be back.

OK.  Will henceforth start spilling it~ I have been eating too many carbs!  What?  How did that happen?  Well, after spending one year eschewing them as a way to maintain weight, this fall I started adding root vegetables and whole grains meaningfully into my diet.  Why you ask?  Well, this summer I didn’t have enough umph during my Olympic Triathlon and part of that was due to not enough carbohydrates in my diet.  Because complex carbs are good for endurance athletes.  The fiber slows down the absorption giving your body energy over time. 

So, what is the deal now?  Well, I am not training for a triathlon right now.  I work out, but just not as hard or for as long.  I don’t need all those carbs in my diet to keep my body keeping on.  I need to back off a bit.  Cause the belly is bugging me. 

In the spring I can come back to this, but I need for find my balance for now.  For winter.  Which is different than spring when I am training for running.  Which is different than summer when I am actively training and competing.  Which is different than fall.  Wow, this stuff isn’t easy.  And everyone is different. 

The body is amazing and complex, isn’t it?

Fat books

I actually walked away from a fat book today.  For the first time I didn't resonate.  So, I put it down, put it in the book return slot and sent it back.

I usually love reading about emotional eating.  I feel good reading about people who have problems with eating or their size and then in typical light fiction fashion work through it and are happy.  Or, I read the nonfiction variety about how and why people eat and different ways to think about food. 

I recently read a book where the protagonist talked about binge eating.  Not all fat people binge eat or even have eating issues and not all thin people eat well.  In fact most people don't eat well at all.   My main eating issues come from hiding and binge eating.  I know exactly what I should be eating, but "want" the other foods.  You know, the ones that everyone else eats.  I hide the bad food that I eat so that no one knows why I am chubby.  I eat it so that no one can look at me and know my weakness.  It is interesting that being fat is something that you can't hide.  So many other addictions can be hidden fully from society/friends/family.  Eating badly can be hidden - you can portray all the healthiness you want from your vegetarian/organic/whatever diet, but the resultant habits show up very clearly on your body whether it is bad skin, weight in places you don't want it or in lack of muscle tone.

I used to resent all the skinny bitches out there.  Now I don't.  I realize they are no better off than me.  They have their issues - issues that don't always show on the outside. 

I associate with binge eaters even though I am no longer fat.  I associate with people who try to eat to feel better.  I associate with the lonely stay at home moms who yearn for a community and a place to feel accepted for their choices.

Think about what you hide.  Think about what you want from your life.  Now try to bridge the gap between the two.  How can you make it happen?  How can you make what you want from your life into what you have dreamed?

dp

so as a long time diet pepsi drinker I have enjoyed it for varied reasons. The fizzy feeling on your teeth (that makes you think they are cleaner for it, but is actually killing your enamel), the flavor (of course), and the caffeine. I have quit a few times since birthing my son as it seems there is a correlation between um... post-partum... issues... down there and dp. So, I've quit. And then I start again cause I just like it so much and really, it doesn't seem like something one should have to quit.

After a recent trip to california with the family I decided my consumption was up too much, so I thought I'd quit. Not quit in a never gone do it again kinda way, just quit in a "lets see how we can moderate consumption" kinda way.

Since August 3 I have had dp 3 times. Twice, it has made me ill. Today I actually threw it away (gasp!). Weird... Something I have drank for twenty years NOW makes me ill? My body sure is getting sensitive. Or maybe the fact that I am healthier than I have been in my entire life means there is less leniency for variance from the norm. Or maybe I'm just getting old.

I used to have a stomach of steel. I used to eat Mass Confusion at Denver Diner as fourth meal at 3am and trip on lightly afterwards.

In the past year I have disovered: dairy makes my stomach upset, I don't handle carbs well in the afternoon and if I eat greasy/fried foods and then lay down I get indigestion. Oh, and dp can make my stomach woozy.

Guess it was a good thing I enjoyed the crap food when I could. Cause I can't now.

I'm kinda

pissed. Because in my entire life when I have I ever wanted to go running? Let me answer that for you. NEVER! But now, that I want to, crave it, something that gives me peace - I can't - or shouldn't at least. My hip hurts. It aches. It gets worse when I exercise. What is the one thing that gives me a semblence of sanity? Exercise.

I'm tired of it hurting. I haven't run in a week. Have only worked out once. Now I feel like a big, fat, sluggish fatball of goo. So Saturday I'm going running. And the first three-four miles will feel ok. And then after that I will "feel" my hip. And then the next day it will ache and hurt and then I'll be pissed all over again.

I might be whining because at 35 this is my biggest injury. Well, longest recurring. And that says a lot from a soccer player of 20 years. A soccer player of 20 years whose hip hurts because I did yoga yesterday. Yoga. (I snorted as I said that cause I'm kinda pissed.)

and on. and on.

Sweeteners

*I am so overwhelmed about sweeteners right now. *

Having grown up in a chubby family in the 80s we all drank (umm, still drink) Diet Pepsi. Aspartame being the sweetener of choice. Cuz you know sugar will make you fat. So will fat, of course, so in the nineties it was a sugar free, fat free explosion.

So now I research and research and research. I still don't have an answer. I thought agave sounded good, but it still is processed and just recently saw an article that it has more fructose than HFCS. Oh jeez. So there is sugar, brown sugar, raw sugar, HFCS, molasses, honey, agave and maple syrup. They are all sugar. What is a girl to use?

I have replaced aspartame in my coffee thinking that at least less processed is better. Most doctors say that stevia is best, but I don't know a single person who actually likes that stuff. Nutrition is such a baby science, if a science at all, and it can't give me the answers I seek. I know I shouldn't eat much sugar, but is it best just to stick with the source? Sugar, less processed, minimally used, but sugar? I think so. for now. Wow, this 90s girl has come far.

Deservation

So I ate a very yummy orange poppyseed piece of cake today. I was at the grocery store and thought I deserved it. It was very good. I had just come from a bike ride so I probably did, right? But what is deserving? And do I deserve a treat EVERY time I exercise? That seems a dangerous proposition. I am training for a triathlon so I am exercising every day. I have read that some people eat treats only on the weekend or S-days. I generally eat a treat if a really good one is presented to me. But really, I don't need treats that often. They just make me high and oh-so-very low. Not to mention the fact that I might be sabotaging my good eating habits by continuously adding sweets to my eating regimen.

Did I deserve a treat today? No. I was just hungry after working out for three hours. I had a treat yesterday. I didn't need one today. But mindlessness gets in the way. And singlemindedness towards the goal of one "deserved treat that looks super yummy and I can't get my mind off of it so I must eat it".

Should get back to my book now. I think it has good stuff. Nothing mind blowing. Just seems to be the right language, the right cadence and enough common background to be just what I need right now. Me, Food and God. We'll see.

Is it just that

I am supposed to be chubby?

This book I'm reading at first pissed me off. The description of the food industry's "highly palatable" foods - foods created softer, and designed with the intention of making us eat more, not well. I was angry. I know it is my responsbility, but shouldn't the food industry care that they are making us fat? Bigger portions sizes so we feel like we are getting a deal. Knowing that most people overeat when presented with more food? Where does the responsibility lie?

But then I read - more and more people are chubby, but only some are conditioned to overeat. I am one of them. I think about food wayyyyy too much. It makes me mad. resentful. but I do. I have tried hard to maintain my weight and generally it is ok, but sometimes I feel like I spend way to much time thinking about food, when the next meal will come or when I next get to have a cookie. I spend so much time making, buying, cooking good and healthy meals. But all I want to do is eat crap. I don't because then I'll feel bad and won't get to run and do the things that I love I can do. But it kind of goes back to the beginning. Why am I one of those people that have been sucked into the "give em bigger portions and they will eat more" group? My parents aren't that way, my husband isn't that way. Seems like it is neither genetics or environment.

Does someone else have the answer? I don't think so. While nutritionism is a new science and considered "soft" by those that consider it at all food science is definitely a science. The ability for companies to test out food and combine them with chemical flavors that are sure to arouse our interest. Nutritionism can't compete with that. Not when you have to fight brussel sprouts against "Flamin Hot Cheetos" and large corporations who have the time and money to spend on research.

So what do I do? Today I just try to eat well. Fight the good fight. (and yes, it is a fight)

Dreading Nighttime

I've always been more of a morning person than a nighttime person. I wake up having energy and a calmness knowing what I will do that day. Nighttime I am tired and recently it has been worse. Recently, I have hit late afternoon with no energy to get outside in the rain yet knowing that if I don't I will sit inside and do nothing nothing nothing until I have to go to bed. It becomes a game of how do I kill the time. Odd, considering that should be the time to hang out with the hubbend sans kid and relax. The problem is all that time to think about all the hours when I can't/shouldn't eat and how to not do so. It builds up. What else to think about? I get bored watching tv and I can't fall asleep at 9 so I think about food. How annoying. How UNrelaxing.

During the day I can think about other things, make plans, talk to people when I get itchy and foody, but at night it just feels like a vast wasteland of time. Time when I can't eat. Maybe I need a food sponsor. One I can whenever I feel like eating. I suppose that is what friends are for, but there is only so much time I can talk about food/eating without feeling an idiot. Hence the blog. Apparently it is not quite enough.

I think I'll just wait for the weather to improve and then I can sit outside in my hammock, reading. Oh, I'd forgotten about my hammock! There is some peace. Some hope. yes... that loosens that tight (green/ball-shaped) knot in my stomach. The thing in my throat is still there, but that I can deal with.

Control

I've recently returned from vacation where I learned something interesting about my eating. I spent the early part of the week with my parents. This was fine as my mom knows (pretty much) what I eat and respects it. She even told a saleswoman that I have worked hard on my body. I think she meant it to be a compliment... :). ANYWAY. She would ask me what I wanted and this was fine, even dropped another pound I think before the big bikini unveiling. So, I arrive in Phoenix and what happens? I have absolutely no say in what I can eat for breakfast and then find it really hard to find healthy foods for lunch and dinner. And then, guess what happens? I gave up. Just ate the food brought to me and felt increasingly gross. One reason was I never knew when I was going to get another meal brought to me and I didn't want to miss the opportunity for the free food. Another was that it is really hard to eat well when constantly presented with huge plates of food filled with carbscarbscarbs.

Wonderfully, I'm not being hard on myself. I am just back home and buckling down to my regular diet and will lose the weight. But back to what I learned.

I really became a better eater and able to maintain this body I now claim when I gained control of my diet. I know what I eat and how it is comprised and I even know what it is that makes me go astray. I was so frustrated to not be in control of my diet. It made me feel like there was nothing I could do to be good to myself and feeding myself mindfully.

And what is interesting is that I feel so much better now that I am home and in control. I don't even mind that I was hungry this morning b/c I knew that I would feed myself soon and I would feed myself well. I am looking forward to this week of abstemious eating and giving my body back to myself.

Side note - not all people are like me. Surprise, surprise. The hubbend finally began to eat better when he gave away control of his food and just began to eat what I served him. That too I find interesting.

Storybored

Everyone has stories that make up who they are. Stories they may or may not tell others, but most definitely tell themselves. Some are broad - about your upbringing. Others are more specific - they explain why you behave a certain way in certain circumstances.

I have stories about moving a lot as a kid (no, my dad wasn't in the army). I have stories about my mom not eating food in front of me. I also have stories about friends, friends that fucked me over so bad that I'm a bit fucked up about friends.

But here's the thing. These stories are only pieces of me. It seems that when someone has a problem they look outside themselves and blame others. Often, they attribute the problems to some fundamental characteristic of that other person. Often they attribute their own responsibilities to something outside themselves or their control.

So, my story about moving a lot. I started out a shy kid. I have always loved to read, play soccer and play the piano. These aren't necessarily things that made me outgoing. So, we moved a lot and I stayed shy. It manifests itself differently these days. I am still shy, but probably most people don't know that. It looks awkward and trust me, I feel awkward. But, true to my upbringing I try my best to be polite and kind. I can be catty, but that is another story :).

Story two - I don't actually recall my mom eating with us. She was always serving us great, healthy food and I know she sat down and I know she ate, but I just didn't see it. I began at a very early age to hide the "bad foods" that I ate. I would hear someone come down the stairs and I would take my cookies and run. Of course, when my dad asked why all the cookies were gone I guiltily denied it. I didn't know until years later that my mom was doing the same thing.

Is it my mom's fault I have eating issues? Nope. Well, maybe it was, but it is mine now. I just can't stop thinking about those cookies in the pantry. And as much as I want to have a smooth calm life, mine is destined differently.

OK. The last one. It kind of relates to the first in a way, but in the teens and twenties I really got fucked over by friends. Not once, not twice, but three times were people (I mean women) horrendous friends in an increasingly almost evil manner. I've actually been semi-stalked by a woman. How creepy is that? So, it might not surprise you to find out I have friend issues.

Except - wait a second. These stories are beginning to sound old. Hubbend and I moved to Oregon, started clean, hunkered down for a few years and stuck to ourselves. But in the past few years we have started to come out of our shells, make friends and surround ourselves solely with good people. Good friends. I made a list earlier this week of people I truly care about expecting it to have three people on it. It was WAYYYYY longer than that.

So, not to get too Landmark-y on you, I think I need to stand in the clearing and declare my stories dead. I am a good friend and I no longer need to stand behind an old story. I have lost a lot of weight and no longer need to apologize for my size. I have lived in Oregon longer than I have anywhere in my entire life and I now feel I belong.

Goodbye old stories. Hello new ones. And thank you for being in my life. And thank you for leaving my past out of it. Oh, and if you want to be on my list, please let me know, I'd love to add you to it. Chances are though, you probably already are.

Body Frame

I'm usually moving around and doing stuff. Not often do I just sit and ponder. I should, probably, but when I have the time to sit I prefer reading. I love entering someone else's world. So, I was surprised to find myself out recently, totally sober, and just sitting. I enjoyed it, observing human interaction and expression.

At some point though, maybe I was getting tired, I saw in a moment people for their body frame. And really, how different they all looked. Every one is shaped differently, with different sizes and their body coverings fill their frame. That reminded me of why I wanted to lose weight. My mom used to say I was just big boned. I have always been strong which I like and flexible, which I love, but also big. So when I found out about the HCG diet I thought, "Let's see if I can get my body to match my frame." To really and truly see what I look like. So I did, I lost weight, and then some more and gosh, I weighed less than I thought I could.

So, I'm sitting on the couch observing these frame/body having people and wondering why if that is what I saw in myself before. A frame/body that didn't match? What was I so afraid of?

Now I sit, try to be calm, and think about it. What does my body give me? What do I need to give it? Because we are in a relationship together. A healthy one is my hope.

What I've learned so far

Well, I've learned that if you want to make vegan cornbread you have to up the baking powder, use tofu and soymilk and then enjoy. Cause it rocks!

I've learned that all these carbs are making my stomach feel kinda puffy at night, but ok by morning. I also lost a bit of weight yesterday, but that probably is the lack of wine. :)

I've learned that it is pretty easy to make vegan meals for dinner (soup and stirfry tonight), but making breakfast (other than oatmeal and smoothies) is a whole different ball oh wax.

I've learned that being a vegan is hard... and I don't know that I am women enough for the job. but I sure am enjoying finding new recipes and ingredients!

A side note - kinda concerned about the vegan meat replacement patties. The book I'm reading recommends having them, but isn't that taking the natural out of it? I guess I am doing natural foods for week three, but it seems that I shouldn't buy these crazy things that I don't even recognize. (Well, as a healthy vegan I shouldn't.) I'll make bulgur patties Monday night for dinner and that is probably similar to the ingredients in the stores. Must remember to check...

Spoonful of Sugar makes the cravings go.... UP!

I didn't weigh myself for years and years. Then after this thing I did this summer I began weighing myself every day, sometimes twice. So. I think I am going to take a week off. This week to be precise. Why? Cause it is too hard to be looking at a number when this week has too many yummy treats and events to attend. Does that mean I am going to go hogwild? Nope. Just think I'll give myself a break and start again Sunday. Probably with a steak day. Will it suck. Yep. Cause really I love being skinny. Especially those four weeks in September when I could see my sixpack coming in and my muscles were just so there. It was killer. Now I've gained a pound or two and look FINE. But still. That was killer.

January is coming up and I generally do an annual TakeAMonthOffWine month. Perhaps that will help with some of the weight, but I have my Mar3 goal of the bikini to inspire me as well. Losing weight sucks. You have to be a bit hungry and I honestly think you have to give a little on nutrition as well. You just can't get in your 7 servings of fruits/veggies if you are eating less. So we'll see. I'll try it slowly, but I want to wear a bikini in March... and I don't want to feel bad about it.

Enjoy your week and the magic of the holiday! That is my plan.