This is 44

I turned 44 yesterday and passed one of the first milestones on this no sugar experiment.  My birthday dinner if often centered around where I want to eat dessert.  Sometimes because I am trying to keep those pesky glutens and dairy out of my diet (because they make my stomach unhappy) and sometimes because I just want to have it! Yesterday, because dessert was taken out of the equation I picked a restaurant based on the main meal itself and was able to enjoy that experience with my boys without a thought as to whether I'd be too full/stomach-hurty/fat/unhappy to eat dessert.  And I am so pleased.

#Thisis44 is a common hashtag on my Facebook feed as many of my online friends are re-connections from high school.  We are all turning 44 and trying to figure out what that means, what it looks like and how to move forward toward 50.  eek.

So this morning I woke up sans hangover of any kind, really hungry, and ready to start my workday I was pleased that this experiment seems to be working.  This may be 44, but I keep getting better - at least that's what my husband says.

A changing

You know that feeling that you have when you are full?  Sounds nice, but in reality it isn’t.  Especially when you’ve been eating to fullness for consecutive days.  And then when you go to yoga and try to move and bend your body.  Then it really doesn’t feel good. 

You see, I’ve been feeling like my diet isn’t quite right the last few days.  So I’ve been trying to eat foods that have been satisfying me these past two months, but they feel too heavy, and still not satisfying.  I realized with the changing weather I needed to head to the library to finally pick up my John Douillard book.  (This book is ok thus far, but does anyone have a better Ayurveda book?  I feel like it is too rudimentary for me.) Anyway, I started reading last night so that I could figure out what is going on in the spring for my vata (pitta) diet. 

What I’ve figured out thus far: Spring is kapha time.  Heavy and wet.  More mucus so I should stay away from dairy oilds (I think).  I need to eat bitter foods, less oils and fats… (Those should have been stored up from the winter foods.)  So, I need to back off the fats, oils, nuts, avocado, coconut and eat more the bitter and pungent leafy greens.  This should change the makeup of my morning smoothie a bit. 

Warmer winds and rain,

sleep problems

Diet might need a change.

Time to move

with Mother Earth.

What is next -

Look inside

Find the truth

Not the blame.

Self Soothing

I have just returned from my traditional runningerrandsaturday.  One of my last stops was at JC Penny’s to return a curtain rod where I found I was unable to clearly articulate what I needed to do. (Return a curtain rod)  When I finally got out my words I apologized for being so inarticulate (in my normal self-deprecating way) and the cashier suggested I go get a black/ white mocha from Starbucks.  She peppily stated that she had just got one and it really worked for her.  I looked at her, blinked, and paused, trying to get my brain to function whereupon I stated, “I don’t drink caffeine”.  At this point she blinked and seemed entirely confused.  This gave my brain the time to clear as I took a breath and tried to figure out what I really needed.

And I realized it was simple - To sit down.  To breathe.  For a moment.  And do nothing else.

In the past I might have done just what she suggested – go get some caffeine and get that amped feeling that courses through me.  But then the subsequent crash happens and I am back where I started.

So.  I am glad I listened to my body.  And it makes me wonder, what do most people do to self soothe?  Do you listen to what your body actually needs?  Or do you try to fix what is wrong by powering through using external stimuli? 

At this point in my life I am no longer trying to fix my bad parts, but to enhance the good.  I’d love to hear other simple self soothing techniques you have for when you are too busy and frazzled.

Projections

I need a project.  Something meaningful.  I think Christmas decorating will be fun, but I don’t think that will be enough.  With the advent of January I will begin my month-long cleanse.  This year's iteration will contain a whole body cleanse… different than years past projects in that I mostly removed items from my diet.  Or last year when I tested out various diets.  This year has been one big long experiment in diet and eating and to end the year I need something to end it meaningfully.  Winter isn’t the time for intense tri training so that can’t be it either.  See, I have rather thought it through.
The thing that seems fitting is introspection.  But how is that a project?  At a time of year lent to parties, consumption of treats/alcohol,  and gift giving/receiving, how do I spend it introspecting without coming out feeling like I’ve missed out on the joy of the season?
So, my project.  Something calming, warming, honoring of the season of fires, hibernating,  yet filled with holiday cheer.  I love a challenge .

Pumpkin Cookies

I am not much of a baker.  Mostly because I have a problem with portion control.  I do love my sweets though – cookies specifically.  Usually my favorite cookie has walnuts, chocolate chips and oatmeal in it.  Poor hubs so wishes that he could have a white flour, sugar, butter and chocolate chip cookie, but alas, those days are gone.
I am a great lover of pumpkin though and recently when I’ve wanted to make cookies I try to think in my head what ingredients are the ones calling to me.  And as the fall, root vegetable and warming season is upon us the pumpkin called to me today.  There were pumpkin oatmeal cookies, but those seemed like they were trying too hard.  (Although I might try them out later.)

Here are the cookies.  Super yummy and soft.  Enjoy!

Am reading “The School of Essential Ingredients” right now. Next time I make cookies I will replace even more of the egg and will probably take a message from the narrator’s school and add the sugar in later… and allow more air into the wet ingredients by slowing down my blending.

Recovery

I'm spending a lot of time with myself recently. Whether running or biking with music or swimming without any noise at all I have a lot of time with my thoughts. And with my upcoming Olympic Triathlon looming I am thinking a lot about whether I really have it in me to complete this thing.

What I've come to is that is all about recovery. I climb a hill, how long does it take to recover my spend and breath so that I can continue. I run a distance at a quicker speed to shorten my times and then run some more. It reminds me of the soccer years. How running quickly after the ball was important, but almost more so was the ability to recover, get back up the field to force the offsides and keep control of the game. So how well I do on this tri is really about how quickly I can recover my breath and center to go on to the next event.

And then... it makes me think about life. Because what is life if it not about recovery? How can you hold onto your heart when it has been broken? How do you get through that truly painful day when you just don't think you can make it? I have had plenty of those days. And the days get better the quicker you can recover from the pain, the heartache, the unrelenting voice of a toddler.

I wonder if I can be like the desert flower that once it has it's heart scooped out can live on the water that fills it up every morning. Root inside my decrepit parts, find myself and live each day out. Recover. And live again the next.

Deservation

So I ate a very yummy orange poppyseed piece of cake today. I was at the grocery store and thought I deserved it. It was very good. I had just come from a bike ride so I probably did, right? But what is deserving? And do I deserve a treat EVERY time I exercise? That seems a dangerous proposition. I am training for a triathlon so I am exercising every day. I have read that some people eat treats only on the weekend or S-days. I generally eat a treat if a really good one is presented to me. But really, I don't need treats that often. They just make me high and oh-so-very low. Not to mention the fact that I might be sabotaging my good eating habits by continuously adding sweets to my eating regimen.

Did I deserve a treat today? No. I was just hungry after working out for three hours. I had a treat yesterday. I didn't need one today. But mindlessness gets in the way. And singlemindedness towards the goal of one "deserved treat that looks super yummy and I can't get my mind off of it so I must eat it".

Should get back to my book now. I think it has good stuff. Nothing mind blowing. Just seems to be the right language, the right cadence and enough common background to be just what I need right now. Me, Food and God. We'll see.