Friday, April 23, 2010

(Bad) Eating Begins the Night Before

I binge ate last night for the first time in a while. And as I am dealing with the consequences today - I'm heavier, feeling guilty, and sleepy - I started thinking about how/why it happened. I realized it started the night before. Wednesday night I drank too much. So, Thursday morning I was groggy and didn't feel like making breakfast. So, I waited until I met a friend for coffee and ate a breakfast sandwich there. That in itself is fine. Later, little dude only ate half his sandwich and since we were out and about and I was hungry I ate the other half. Still, this should be OK, but I already knew I was in trouble as I had planned to make pizza that night. Chard pizza with ricotta cheese, but pizza nonetheless. At this point I knew that I would probably gain a little weight due to all these carb-filled meals. But again, that would probably have been ok.

So now it is evening. I have eaten more than my fair share of pizza, start drinking and realize I am home alone. So what do I do? I EAT MORE. Why? Well, from what I can recall I thought, "I am going to weigh more tomorrow anyway I might as well eat what I want". Problem is, we don't even have good snack foods at home so I couldn't eat what I want I just ate what was there.

So, I go to bed and wake at 4 am thinking about my crappy eating, my bloated stomach and start dreading the earlyearly day making myself feel guilty adding to my food stupor with a dose of tired mama.

What a trip. I pinhole the problem truly on the moment I decided that I should just eat whatever cuz it doesn't matter. It always matters. I would still be high today, but not as high and I wouldn't feel as bad and I wouldn't have to pay for yesterday for quite as long. And perhaps, just perhaps I wouldn't feel like punishing myself so much.

Monday, April 19, 2010

I need to be more childish

In the last few days I've noticed my son getting really excited for corn. We saw corn at the grocery store and he really wanted me to spell corn for him. It is crazy. It has been 9 months since he ate corn? And he is SOOOO excited to eat corn again. It made me realize that I should appreciate things like corn in my life.

So, here are my simple pleasures or corn-list if you will:
-Balancing a handstand for longer than 15 seconds
-Balancing elbow stand for as long as I feel like being there
-Listening to my son's crazy laugh
-Hearing my hubbend laugh (it is rare, but awesome)
-Sitting in the sun reading a really good book
-Reading a really good book
-A wonderful evening with a friend when we truly engage in dialogue
-Large raucous family gatherings
-Playing rummikub with my parents
-12 minute conversations with mamaw

There are more. I just need to appreciate my simple pleasures more often I think. Take a lesson from the son. And just laugh like crazy.

Oh, and yes I know the title should be "child-like", but I liked my title better :)

Friday, April 16, 2010

What kind of parent are you?

I just spent some time biking around our circle with my neighborhood kids and my son. The older kid wanted to know how fast he was going and my road bike told him - 11mph. Not bad for an eight year old. I had fun for that half hour. I enjoy hanging out with the kids biking, getting dirty or kicking a ball. Which leads me to my question. What kind of parent are you?

I have always been a sport player. Consequently, never really liked watching sports. Still don't. Sadly, I don't really play sports anymore, but I seem to be the parent who gets out there and plays with my kid. I am the one who lets him get dirty. Lets being the operative word. I am the parent who pulls the neighbor kids down the street and the parent who swims rather than watches their kid swim.

There is no judgment from me either way, but really it is about how I have always felt different from other women. I am not a woman who sits and watches sports. I am tough and play with the guys. I had forgotten that until recently. I watch most women be moms. They are those women I didn't understand in high school and college and now... The women who watch. I am a woman who does things and am happy in that doing.

Friday, April 9, 2010

I wasted my depression on my 20s

I was depressed throughout my 20s. People didn't say that though. I was known as the pessimistic one in my group. I preferred to think of it as realistic. We differed in that opinion.
My friends and family didn't understand, but I read books and saw pieces of me in there.

Through a series of counselors, an awesome husband, a cool kid, a masters degree, and some medication I found my way to some sort of happiness. But that doesn't mean I am not sad. I live my life every day. Working towards happiness.

I find myself viewing the depressed moms in the books I read as sympathetic characters of what I could have been. Why did I waste depression on my twenties when I had to get up every day and go to work? It would have been so much cooler to lay in bed all day in my moomoo while I forced my 6 year old to an early adulthood by looking after me. Why did I waste it on friend who were transient, unfaithful and generally lacking in inspirational ability?

I should have put it off til now. What a waste. Now I have to plan better for the rest of my thirties and forties. I should make better use of them. Right?

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

my eating mantra

working up something to print out and put all around the house, in my purse, my pockets, etc.

Something like:

I will feel as good as I eat. Be strong and present to the food my body needs.
Stop. Now Eat Mindfully.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Respectfully, Shove it

My body seems to be trying to reset itself to a higher set point. You know, when you go to the scale and it goes to the exact same number (which in itself is a little psycho). But you see, I don't like that new, higher set point. So, body, respectfully- SHOVE it. I am going to have to take over it seems until you can learn to behave again.


I love to help people. I keep thinking that I should be able to find a job where I can help people. Doesn't sound hard, right? So, I stopped planning fun events and started libraryness. That could work, but then... it didn't. Now I am trying to help older people get things done they can't, but that doesn't seem to be working either. So... how do I make money while helping people?

I find that happens with people in my life too. I want to contribute to them. Make a unique contribution. And when they don't want to be contributed to I just lose interest.

So. I love to help people. I love talking to people. I really want people to be good to themselves. Health counselor is sounding better and better.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Something Calming on this radically windy day

I have to say, there is is something calming about fasting. I recommend it. Take the food away from the picture. Just remove it. You have yourself. Your body. Your spirit.

Take the food away and the truth lies there. Just waiting.

Dreading Nighttime

I've always been more of a morning person than a nighttime person. I wake up having energy and a calmness knowing what I will do that day. Nighttime I am tired and recently it has been worse. Recently, I have hit late afternoon with no energy to get outside in the rain yet knowing that if I don't I will sit inside and do nothing nothing nothing until I have to go to bed. It becomes a game of how do I kill the time. Odd, considering that should be the time to hang out with the hubbend sans kid and relax. The problem is all that time to think about all the hours when I can't/shouldn't eat and how to not do so. It builds up. What else to think about? I get bored watching tv and I can't fall asleep at 9 so I think about food. How annoying. How UNrelaxing.

During the day I can think about other things, make plans, talk to people when I get itchy and foody, but at night it just feels like a vast wasteland of time. Time when I can't eat. Maybe I need a food sponsor. One I can whenever I feel like eating. I suppose that is what friends are for, but there is only so much time I can talk about food/eating without feeling an idiot. Hence the blog. Apparently it is not quite enough.

I think I'll just wait for the weather to improve and then I can sit outside in my hammock, reading. Oh, I'd forgotten about my hammock! There is some peace. Some hope. yes... that loosens that tight (green/ball-shaped) knot in my stomach. The thing in my throat is still there, but that I can deal with.