Upon getting engaged in 2001 my mom suggested the hubbend and I go to couples counseling. We found a great guy and went for quite a while. This awesome dude came up with the phrase , “There is a lot of Brooke in the room” as a way of expressing all that I have to offer and all that I am. While this phrase is definitely used between us with specific connotations, over the years I have felt like I have become less and less present. Like that phrase is no longer relevant.
And then recently, ironically, I have been feeling more recently. Ironically in that as I have shrunk in size I am becoming more of a full person. Losing the shroud of depression I have regained my personality in a smaller sized frame. Simultaneously inspired and deadened. Full of possibility, but irrepressibly cranky. It is strange in my life. And I think it is impinging on my relationships.
I have circled around it, but have realized some of it is due to the lessening of some of my support structure. Hubbend is so busy at work and my parents are across the world. I have finally begun to feel like I have something to contribute and am feeling constricted by my role as mom. You see I have never been a mom who was in love with being a mom. I love my son, but I don’t love the role of mom. I am a good mom, not great, but know that my son is getting all that he needs through my care, my husband’s special relationship with him and my parent’s caretaking of him on a regular basis. Right now there isn’t as much help and our life is fraying at the edges.
I am trying to move forward in my life with a potential for fulfillment and I need more to do so. I need to be able to push forward into these changes so that I find this true meaning. With change comes challenge. We are ready for it, but unprepared with how to make those changes a reality.
I know that change can make everything uncomfortable for a while. I am okay with that. But not sure about others. So there is the ride of life again………….. There is going to be more Brooke in the room. We’ll see how that goes.