A state

Apparently I am happier when I am in a more confused, mostly ditzy state.  Apparently I need to find out how to be like that more often.  Because it is nice not being worried and frustrated all the time.

I often want to ask those optimistic people what they think about while they are thinking all those happy thoughts.  When I don’t have something to think about I just think about what I need to do, what needs to get done, what I should be doing.  And not surprisingly I begin to get upset, frustrated and depressed.  What should I be thinking about instead?  Should I be thinking about how I actually got up this morning?  That I get to have knee surgery?  That I got to have lunch with my husband?  Ok.  That actually sounds nice. (the last one, that is)

Thinking about the good things. Huh. Well, I might as well try it.  I know the just not thinking isn’t going to work.

Wherein Brooke realizes there is a lot to this eating thing

I recently read Eating Animals by Jonathon Safron Foer.  This book definitely grossed me out with its imagery,  sent me over the edge, and drove the hubbend crazy (due to my eternal badgering him over the grossness of eating meat). Now I am reading Omnivores Dilemma again and I am waiting for Michael Pollan to react the same way.  I am reading it wondering, how can you see all you have seen and still eat meat?  Yet he does. 

I am happy to say I have relaxed on my hubbend and now don’t badger him at all on the subject, but as this loosening occurs and the longer time passes from reading that book (EA) the more I lose my own grip on the subject.  To some degree the ability to eat meat comes from forgetting that the meat comes from an animal and the process it took to get there.  So I sit and wonder how bad the honey chicken from the Chinese restaurant could be.  The answer?  It isn’t if you are ok with eating chicken.  But to make the leap back into eating meat makes that chicken not feel like the right choice.  So, what is the right choice?  And why?

There are so many external factors and influences to how you eat.  Sometimes it is hard to know what to do and the more information you get the more confusing it can be.  Sometimes I just want to eat something and not care about it.  I want to eat it not caring how I am going to feel, look and how ethical the process is that got that food in front of me.  Sometimes, but not often I wish I could unlearn all that I have learned and go back to eating badly.

But then.  Isn’t that what eating is supposed to be?  Isn’t eating supposed to be about what your body wants and not the mind?  It isn’t supposed to be about rules and calories and nutritional bytes.  My body needs this food to fuel my activities and mind converting it to energy and future thoughts.

How do I get there?  Because that is really the goal in all this.  To eat.  Mindfully yet honoring the body. Enjoying the food that sustains me.  How do I do this? 

I don’t know. And I’m bummed.

Cookbook awesome-ocity

I found this cookbook at New Seasons, ordered it from the library, and received it today.  I was literally putting bookmarks in every other page of this cookbook.  The recipes were this yummy looking!

Not only does this author have a similar cooking aesthetic as me in terms of using whole, real foods, but there is nary a mentioned of TVP (texturized vegetable protein) or fake meats anywhere!  AND (yes, AND) most are vegan.  Meaning there isn’t any of that vegetarian tendency depending heavily on processed carbs and soy products to make a vegetarian meal.  Yay!

Confusion Reigneth

I am so confused about what to eat right now.  Not something you would expect to hear from one immersed in a nutrition school, but that is the case.  Between my diet experiments over the last few years and learning about all the dietary theories over the past 7 months I just have no idea how I am supposed to eat. 

So, let’s assess:

Vegetables are good. Fill me up, digestion awesomeness ensues (can’t only eat vegetables, so…)

Meat – a bit of a moral issue there now.  Although if you have happy chickens at home I would be happy to eat your eggs.  Fish is on my questionable list right now too.  Have been eating some, but not really happy about it.  Beef.  Beef I just have this bad memory of this nasty rotten eggs taste I had in my mouth after I ate it.  And it was good, local beef.  hmm.

Fruit – LOVE apples, most fruit.  all good.  especially blueberries.

Nuts – tend to go a little crazy on them, but they are good in general (must keep watch)

Legumes – yummmy and good.  Must remember to get fermented foods in though when eating them.

Dairy – only if fermented or on the rare special occasion.

Soy – try to mimimize non fermented varieties, but good digestively for me

Grains – only eat these in the morning or they can give my indigestion in the afternoon

Fats- trying to lower that (keeping to avocado and nuts)

Sugar makes me run around like a bobble-headed tweety bird.

Caffeine is ok a little bit at a time, but I can’t sleep very well with much in my system.

I am about 2 weeks into not weighing myself and not eating any specific way.  I am just eating my recommended allowance of fruits/veg (5-9 servings).  I am not limiting.  Other than 5-9 servings of fruit/veg a day I eat what I want.

I might not be as skinny as I was, but I think I need to say screw it for now.  Being healthy is more important than being skinny. 

The last time I tried (hubbend remembers that as the Oreo year) was when I read Intuitive Eating and Overcoming Overeating.  Both good books, but now I am in such a better place that I can do it truly.  Without the oreos .

We are all different.  We all digest differently, have different tastes, energy needs and ability to transfer food into energy.  We all have unique needs, bodies, minds and processes.  And we are all living different lives that fulfill us, stress us and nurture us differently.

This is what is going on with me right now.  Actually nice to have it written down so I can track it.

Disordered Eating

Is a highly episodic and cyclical problem.  Whether it is body image issue or a food related issue you can solve it for a while, but it comes back if you let it.  It is sneaky.

When you find yourself struggling with food cravings, energy issues or bad patterns old or new there are some things you can look at to help:

1- Disordered eating usually rears it’s head when something is off in your life. Observe: is something lacking in your life, or how are you out of balance?

2-Notice how the pattern emerges (daily, hourly).  Does it look different than last time? Then…

3-Think how how you worked it out last time, is that structure still in place?  If not, would that work again?  If so, what has changed?

4- If it is new think about what is going on (probably outside of food) and notice if that brings up an emotional or food response in you.

5- Talk to someone.  Talk to someone who won’t judge you.  Someone who will listen to you and help you reflect on what is going on in your life and who makes you feel supported.

Does it help to know you are not alone?  You are not.  There are so many people out there with disordered eating issues big and small.  We all hide it.  Be proud of yourself for being aware.  Now move on to the next step and find ways to love yourself without food!

Take Care.

Quarterly Update

So I have been veganish for 3.5 months.  I’ve really enjoyed it, been feeling pretty good, but the hubbend is beginning to balk at the lack of animal products in the food I cook.  So, I decided to take a three day adventure while he is out of town.  Ironic, yes, I am aware.  However, I wanted to do it without any discussion so that I could truly see how I was feeling without interpretation by others.  Others otherwise known as the hubbend. 

I started yesterday on what appears to be a very balanced carb/fat/protein diet.  In the past when I was eating animal protein it was mostly paleo (as you might recall), but that didn’t work so I thought I’d try a structured “balanced” diet. 

So, my first reaction is wow, that is a shit-load of protein.  (The USDA My Pyramid can officially suck it.)  My second reaction is damn do I have the grouchies even with the coffee I am drinking.  My third reaction after eating an egg this morning is, “Oh yes, this is why I stopped eating eggs because when I workout after eating them I feel like I am lugging around a ton of bricks.”  This leads me back to why I have enjoyed eating less animal products in the first place.  I have enjoyed the lightness and even keel-ness of my feelings since stopping the animal products.  The past two days I have been tired and grouchy.

What is rather nice is how easy it is to eat with the animal protein in place.  It is easy to bake some fish and put some veggies and a grain with it.  It is simpler that way, but less fulfilling. for me.

I have been thinking about someone I know who eats meat and frozen spinach every day.  I sometimes wonder if I could do that.  It sounds so nice not to worry about what I eat.  But then I remember that I am me.  and me has emotional attachments to what me eats.  And me actually likes to cook now so that just sounds plain boring.

So here I go on my spring veganish adventure.  I am beginning to crave my greens and berry smoothie something fierce.  I can’t wait until Thursday morning!!

Health v Responsibility

Some make food decisions based on what tastes good, some on what is good for them and some of what they believe to be the right decision for the world/animals/environment.

Not all the time, I imagine.  Can you actually make those kinds of weighty decisions on a daily basis?  If you ever eat outside the home you know that you are abdicating your decision somewhat for the convenience.  Even restaurants I think of as healthy don’t have the ability to do the due diligence on all of their food (and is it even fiscally responsible for them to do so anyway?).

Health can be taken in a larger scheme.  My health and my family’s health can impact the health system if don’t use it as much.  But you can’t really think in those terms when deciding whether or not to eat the donut.

I used to think the organic term was crap.  But the more I learned about what is being done to the food we ingest the more it began to resonate.  I want to eat happy food.  I don’t want to eat antibiotics and chemicals and hormones.  Oddly though I went to organic produce first.  Is it easier?  Organic meat is another, more complex story it seems to me.  There is so much that goes into the growing, feeding, keeping healthy, killing and processing animal products that it is a harder (or easier perhaps if you just don’t do it) decision to make as the complexities are different for everyone. 

So do you eat food for your health?  Because you are concerned what is happening politically with the food industry?  Do you eat the food you can buy at the store you shop at? 

Are you tired yet?  I am.  Where is the bacon?  Not for me, but my hubbend and son.  They have to make the decision for themselves.  So do you.