Are my 5 minutes (or six months) of skinny up? Was that my big hurrah? Cause I am not skinny any more. At least I don't think so. I look fine, don't get me wrong, but I am bigger and with that bigger makes me fear the even biggerer. What happened? Well, I think when you first lose weight you have an urgency and a willingness to do whatever you need to do to keep it off. You go a little hungry, skip meals occasionally, etc to make sure. Then you start loosening up on what you can eat. Then you start thinking that one cookie/cupcake/whatever if fine to eat. And don't get me wrong, it is fine, but when you make that decision over time it adds up- in pounds.
The thing is that I feel terribly disappointed. In myself. I LOVED being skinny. It was pretty cool when the people at the stores start looking at me and assumed I wanted dressing on the side, cause that is what skinny people do. I love that every time I grab a size of clothing I have to go back to grab the smaller size. Mostly though, I love that I don't have to buy clothes solely because they fit - I get to now make choices on clothes that I really like. That takes some getting used to. I don't want to go back to chubby/solid/sturdy Brooke. I want to be skinny Brooke.
Well, if that is true then what do I have to do? I need to be willing to be a little hungry, skip some meals and make sacrifices. Oh yes, sacrifices again. Hmmm. So, how do I do it healthfully? Because that is honestly part of the problem. I started concentrating on eating better, more healthful food (like the vegan banana bread I made yesterday) and not on the volume of food. Vegan banana bread is still bread. AND - I forgot about my 7-9 fruits/veggies rule I had in the fall.
I think I'll start there (again). I hope I can do it. I don't want to be disappointed in my body my whole life. I want to get back to loving it for it's strength, flexibility, (and perhaps rocking a bathing suit?) ;.
** 1/2 hour later - - And I think one thing that is really bugging me is how isolated I feel about this. I don't feel like I can talk about it. That bugs. So hopefully this blog will help. That is the point after all...