Stevia Blues

I made some protein breakfast bars and I got the numb numbly feeling on my tongue.  I hadn’t felt that for some time, probably since the very first time I used stevia in a recipe about 7 years ago.  I didn’t notice the conversion rate, used wayyyyyy too much and created a grossly sweet recipe that was inedible.  For years I never thought I would eat stevia again. 

Many years later I rediscovered it. Now I regularly use the liquid form mostly to slightly sweeten my smoothies, my coffee, or various recipes that call for sweetening.  I still think about the function of my sweet needs: does my food need the stickiness of honey to bind it, the earthy flavor of maple syrup or do I just need something to be a little bit sweeter?  If the answer is the latter then I use stevia.

So so sad I am that the numb tongue is back.  The recipe said to use the powdered form (I had the liquid out).  Not sure why it would say powdered, but against my better judgment (not wanting it to be too sweet) I used packets.  I used the minimum.  I thought it would be ok.  It was not.

Stevia is such a strong sweetener, so different from the artificial sweeteners or even sugar.  I don’t think this type of thing would happen with honey.  You just wouldn’t use that much.  The stevia leaf is so sweet and so intense.  I still will use it.  But I think I can’t make that recipe again.  It is so bust for me.

What are you… selling?

I have long resisted any kind of sales position.  I was a teller in college.  That didn’t sell any stocks.  I was a event manager… that didn’t sell banking relationships.  I was a development associate… that didn’t sell theater tickets.  I have long resisted any job that relied on me selling anything.  Anything that relied on myself.

Today my hubbend reminded me that I don’t sell weight loss.  I sell health counseling.  Clients (and I) get caught up in our goals, but really, when some hires me who wants to lose weight they are buying something I can’t deliver.  I cannot lose weight for someone else.  They have to do it themselves.  Weight loss isn’t easy.  It isn’t simple.  It takes hard work, a dedication to a goal, and a prioritization that many don’t have.  (which is why so many fail)

So I wonder why I am doing this rather sales related job (something I have long denied doing) when it is something that has such a high failure rate?  It is something I finally believe in.  Something that is so important.  Something that our lives depend on.

I don’t want to live my life in ill health.  I want to thrive.  I want to live a life of being, feeling, thinking and doing.  All within the harmony of living.

Don’t you?

Food Rules

I have gone back and forth about having food rules.  While one hand thinks it is something my teenage self would want to rebel against, the other hand thinks it is a good idea to have some structure in my life to guide my eating habits.  I don’t want to put it on my refrigerator (that seems so 2008) so I thought I’d write them out here.

1-Meals should be based on plant sources

2-When eating carbs they should be whole grains or starches (note to self to make crackers)

3-Remember to put beans/mushrooms into meals so I get enough protein in my diet (avoiding dizziness while in handstands is a good thing)

4 -Caffeine and alcohol no more than three times a week

5- Eat only whole soy products with the very occasional soy milk (and not very often at that)

6-Only eat animal products meaningfully, not lazily

7-Sweets are for the weekend

Upon editing this a bit I tried to keep the language about what is in my diet, not concentrating on what I want to keep out.  A little mentality out there for you . (yes, I know that is not a real word, but it seemed apt.)

I think what this list shows me is what I struggling with right now or what I think is really important.  I wanted to add a rule about no more than three meals a day, but that isn’t a challenge for me so I didn’t.  So, these rules are my guidelines, my way of eating that makes me feel good.  My way of eating that I eat when my head doesn’t eat me first.

Inner beast

And my inner beasty rears its ugly head.

Like so many things we tend to attribute the bad parts of us to outside causes.  I was reading a book recently where the main protagonist was fighting against herself in a good vs bad battle to make the right decisions.  She called the bad side “the beast” until she realized it was all her.

Such it is with me.  Sometimes the beast is calm.  I make good food decisions, I eat really well, and enjoy doing so.  Other times the beast takes over and I feel out of control, unhappy about it, but seemingly can’t stop it.  This cycle builds and builds until I am so irritated, so out of control that I have to bitch slap the beast and start again.

And so it begins again.  I do a cleanse.  I restart my good habits, clean eating, listening to my foods rules that the beast so easily eschews.  This lasts longer and longer as I have built in this cycle starting from strength. 

Sometimes I think the beast is dead.  I think I am so strong now I can handle anything.  But then something so simple trips me up and I eat something I wouldn’t usually eat and it then another and then another. 

It is really frustrating to wish that food could just be the energy to provides my body the strength to do the things that makes me appreciate living in me.  Once again I have to sit back, think about how to build from strength and appreciate the weakness so that cycle can be stronger this time and perhaps I can learn, make adjustments and do it again better.

I love the clean part so.  I love the calm in my brain.  I must remember not to feel such a fraud.  I am not perfect.  Who is?  I am on this path.  Every moment of my life has brought me here.  What can I learn from this to take me into the future with love?

Swim-time Musings on Fast Food

As I attempted to use my Burgerville card today to check into the rec center I began to think about the last time I had been there (last December).  I then decided to figure out how many times I had eaten fast food this year.  I counted five (three trips to In and Out, one to Taco Bell, and one life saving trip to Dairy Queen).  All were travel/road trip related.  And in the case of the dairy queen I wouldn’t have made it home otherwise. 

Fast food is often blamed for the nation’s obesity problem, but as you can tell that isn’t the case with me and I still struggle with food and my weight.  Well, eating isn’t a struggle but it certainly is work.  It is work to be mindful in how I eat, how often I eat, and what I choose to eat.  I used to only think about how it would affect my weight, but as I age I think more along the lines of if it will give me energy and whether it will keep me up at night.  So along the way I have given up caffeine and those awesome diet pepsis and because they certainly don’t give me energy and they keep me up at night.  I continuously work towards eating in a way that will allow me to live my life, look my best, and yet share in my family/community’s eating.  So yes, it is work.  But it is work that is worth it.

I read a Deepak Chopra article last week that made me think about my son and my childhood when it spoke about childhood obesity.  He wrote, “80 percent of obese youth become obese adults.”  That is horrifying.  I was never obese, but was certainly bigger as a child.  My weight would not have been a concern as compared to children these days.  I know the habits formed as a child are so much more important.  I worry about these children as I looked around the high school I subbed at last.  They don’t know what they are doing to themselves.  As adults, we do.  It is so much harder to break habits formed as a child than those started as adults.  I wish I could help them, but will just continue to do the best with my child and those around me.  That is all I can do right now, but really, it isn’t enough.

Cleansing vs detoxing

Every once in a while most of us feel a little bogged down and try to eat a “clean” diet for a while.  This is a great thing to do.  A great way to reset your system is to do a cleanse or detox.  I just finished the “Colorado Cleanse” with Dr. John Douillard.  I have read a number of Dr. Douillard’s books as I have been exploring Ayurveda.  Ayurveda is the India principle of eating based on body types and seasonality (very simply put).  

Cleansing is a great way of cleaning out the body of nasty foods that are bogging down your system.  Taking some time out of your daily eating routine to development new patterns.  Detoxing is taking it to a new level.  That is moving cleaning out the bacteria, villi, resetting your digestion, and a general healing of your system.  This is a great way to expose the weaknesses in your digestive system.

The first time I do a cleanse or detox I usually have a hard time.  The more times I do it, the more I learn about my body and the better I feel.  So as I hone in on the the weaknesses I feel within my body and spend quiet time figuring out how to heal myself.

I having Dr. Douillard lead this cleanse.  I will probably do it on my own next time.  So, this spring you should join me!  You will feel better for it!

When’s the party?

So, I graduated today.  OK, this may be my photo from my master’s degree graduation, but I thought the day worthy of some note.

What does this mean?  Not sure, actually.  I have just began making plans for a long term sub position as a school librarian,  but I also have many plans for getting myself out there as a certified holistic health counselor. 

What  I have noticed over the past few months as my life has been consumed by a seemingly unending comedy of things gone wrong is that I revert to my quiet self.  The self that likes being a librarian because then I don’t have to talk as much.  The person that was drawn to library science, cataloguing, and the general life-long love I have had of libraries. 

There is a difference now.  I talk about going to the school and finding new clients there.  I need to get myself out into the world to find them.  That scares me, but I know they are out there just beyond my reach. 

So Happy Graduation, me, and I hope that this transition will bring more nuanced fulfillment and a continuing evolvement of that thing that is being Brooke.