This is 44

I turned 44 yesterday and passed one of the first milestones on this no sugar experiment.  My birthday dinner if often centered around where I want to eat dessert.  Sometimes because I am trying to keep those pesky glutens and dairy out of my diet (because they make my stomach unhappy) and sometimes because I just want to have it! Yesterday, because dessert was taken out of the equation I picked a restaurant based on the main meal itself and was able to enjoy that experience with my boys without a thought as to whether I'd be too full/stomach-hurty/fat/unhappy to eat dessert.  And I am so pleased.

#Thisis44 is a common hashtag on my Facebook feed as many of my online friends are re-connections from high school.  We are all turning 44 and trying to figure out what that means, what it looks like and how to move forward toward 50.  eek.

So this morning I woke up sans hangover of any kind, really hungry, and ready to start my workday I was pleased that this experiment seems to be working.  This may be 44, but I keep getting better - at least that's what my husband says.

What is sugar?

So I heard someone say, "...during that year you didn't eat sugar" during a podcast yesterday and I smiled to myself.  I haven't eaten sugar for two months and I thought, "What if I did it for ten more months?"  How extreme is that you wonder?  Not so much when you consider I did it for health reasons.  I have been trying for years to figure out what is going on with my body.  At 40 my mind-body connection decided to go to pieces and I've been trying to unfuck it since.  I've done a pretty good job going at it from all angles: diet, exercise, allergies tests, ENT, asthma medications, breathing, meditation, acupuncture.  The result is pretty good health, but a constantly runny nose.

Why no sugar? One of the last remaining mental blocks I have around food is that constant wondering when I next get to eat it.  And it makes me wonder, why would I let something else be in control of me?  I have never liked it and have removed everything else that controls me, so why would I keep this one just for the sake of other peoples comfort and the occasional piece of cake.  This time I wouldn't be quitting sugar for extrinsic reasons, it finally is because I want to feel better on the inside.  I want to feel in control of my body (I really hate that runny nose).  When my ND said no sugar for a month to see if that would fix my runny nose due to candida in my system you know I was willing to try it.

I'm not sure if you know, but I stopped drinking over four years ago.  And it started with a few months, then 6 months, then a year and then... why drink?  I feel better not drinking so why start again now.  I noticed early how related drinking was to sugar and had a friend who drank a lot who told me they didn't have a sweet tooth... until they stopped drinking and noticed their sugar cravings.  I've never claimed to be one of those silly savory people.  I've developed a savory tooth over the years due to my diligence in my diet, but that sweet tooth still persists.

So when I heard no sugar for a year it echoed that feeling.  I feel better with no sugar - and it isn't low inflammation, more energy stuff.  I still have a runny nose and have been sick more in the past year then in my whole life, but I feel better not thinking about when I'm next going to eat sugar.  There was a release at some point about two weeks into the start in March- oh, no sugar, great, let's move on.  And what a breathe, a great deep one, that was.  And is.  So I'll continue to not eat sugar... Why make it formal?  Because things are coming up - holidays that generally involve sugar, Mother's Day, my birthday, a post competition celebration and three birthdays in June.  And I realized I was dreading them because I didn't want to start planning and thinking and hoping that I once again would get stuck in that rut of waiting for my next sugaring.

Before I move I need to know.  What is sugar?  And it seems to come down to honey.  Added sugars are no.  For sure.  But honey as a flavoring seems to be bugging me.  I talked to the hubbend and we wondered if zero meant zero or if there was a gradation of intent.  Or was the total percentage within an item that constitutes "sugar".   I've waffled and wondered now for a day about three items: ketchup, honey mustard dressing and PamNTam's (my local farmer) pork sausage.  And I've decided, yes, they are sugar.  Mostly because I don't want to give them up.  

I am sitting here wondering what is next. My official start date was March 6.  It's on?!?!

What are you… selling?

I have long resisted any kind of sales position.  I was a teller in college.  That didn’t sell any stocks.  I was a event manager… that didn’t sell banking relationships.  I was a development associate… that didn’t sell theater tickets.  I have long resisted any job that relied on me selling anything.  Anything that relied on myself.

Today my hubbend reminded me that I don’t sell weight loss.  I sell health counseling.  Clients (and I) get caught up in our goals, but really, when some hires me who wants to lose weight they are buying something I can’t deliver.  I cannot lose weight for someone else.  They have to do it themselves.  Weight loss isn’t easy.  It isn’t simple.  It takes hard work, a dedication to a goal, and a prioritization that many don’t have.  (which is why so many fail)

So I wonder why I am doing this rather sales related job (something I have long denied doing) when it is something that has such a high failure rate?  It is something I finally believe in.  Something that is so important.  Something that our lives depend on.

I don’t want to live my life in ill health.  I want to thrive.  I want to live a life of being, feeling, thinking and doing.  All within the harmony of living.

Don’t you?

Inner beast

And my inner beasty rears its ugly head.

Like so many things we tend to attribute the bad parts of us to outside causes.  I was reading a book recently where the main protagonist was fighting against herself in a good vs bad battle to make the right decisions.  She called the bad side “the beast” until she realized it was all her.

Such it is with me.  Sometimes the beast is calm.  I make good food decisions, I eat really well, and enjoy doing so.  Other times the beast takes over and I feel out of control, unhappy about it, but seemingly can’t stop it.  This cycle builds and builds until I am so irritated, so out of control that I have to bitch slap the beast and start again.

And so it begins again.  I do a cleanse.  I restart my good habits, clean eating, listening to my foods rules that the beast so easily eschews.  This lasts longer and longer as I have built in this cycle starting from strength. 

Sometimes I think the beast is dead.  I think I am so strong now I can handle anything.  But then something so simple trips me up and I eat something I wouldn’t usually eat and it then another and then another. 

It is really frustrating to wish that food could just be the energy to provides my body the strength to do the things that makes me appreciate living in me.  Once again I have to sit back, think about how to build from strength and appreciate the weakness so that cycle can be stronger this time and perhaps I can learn, make adjustments and do it again better.

I love the clean part so.  I love the calm in my brain.  I must remember not to feel such a fraud.  I am not perfect.  Who is?  I am on this path.  Every moment of my life has brought me here.  What can I learn from this to take me into the future with love?

Body Ownership

Recently someone told me that I was the only person in his life that he didn’t hug.  Now, I have to imagine that is an exaggeration, but still, that hit a mark.  Shocking for me to hear this as I used to consider myself an excellent hugger (still do actually, just don’t do it much).  In truth though, I stopped hugging because I didn’t want to.  I found myself uncomfortable with the whole act.  Hugs often feel dishonest to me and that very statement means I that I am carrying some story there.

So, I thought I’d look through my hugging history:

-High school – chubby, mom-figure to my soccer team hugged and carried everyone (resultant back pain ensued)

-College still loved hugging, especially the feeling of hugging big guys so I could feel enveloped.  Began to notice people that were especially bad huggers.  You know, the ones that either pat or lean and keep their body from touching you?

-Post college friends – there is too much drama there that I don’t choose to go into, but this is definitely when I stopped trusting hugs.  Yes, I said trusting.  Because this is when I stopped trusting people.  Stopped trusting them to be true and honest and good.  So I stopped wanting to touch people, because a hug was too intimate and I didn’t want a hug to be a lie.

-So I finally had a child and having this child meant that I had to be touched.  Constantly.  And this really put the nail in the coffin of hugging.  I certainly didn’t want to be touched by anyone else because I never got to choose the touching.  I began to resent this touching and it took many years to get over it.

-I think I got cats again last fall because I was ready for touch again, I think, but I definitely want my space.  I want to choose my touches, but I am ready for more contact in my life.  (I think there will be more on this later.)

So this person wasn’t the first person to notice it in my life, but they certainly have me thinking.  I have been trying to hug more.  But honestly and only when it feels real.  I won’t hug everyone, but I will hug people who I care about just to remind them in an unspoken way that I do care.  I love to hug my son and my husband (who are both exceptionally good huggers), and I go in for good hugs with my friends.  No half assing it here.

In a time where I don’t necessarily feel like I have a ton of ownership in my life, it is nice to feel this.  A good hug goes a long way.

Confusion Reigneth

I am so confused about what to eat right now.  Not something you would expect to hear from one immersed in a nutrition school, but that is the case.  Between my diet experiments over the last few years and learning about all the dietary theories over the past 7 months I just have no idea how I am supposed to eat. 

So, let’s assess:

Vegetables are good. Fill me up, digestion awesomeness ensues (can’t only eat vegetables, so…)

Meat – a bit of a moral issue there now.  Although if you have happy chickens at home I would be happy to eat your eggs.  Fish is on my questionable list right now too.  Have been eating some, but not really happy about it.  Beef.  Beef I just have this bad memory of this nasty rotten eggs taste I had in my mouth after I ate it.  And it was good, local beef.  hmm.

Fruit – LOVE apples, most fruit.  all good.  especially blueberries.

Nuts – tend to go a little crazy on them, but they are good in general (must keep watch)

Legumes – yummmy and good.  Must remember to get fermented foods in though when eating them.

Dairy – only if fermented or on the rare special occasion.

Soy – try to mimimize non fermented varieties, but good digestively for me

Grains – only eat these in the morning or they can give my indigestion in the afternoon

Fats- trying to lower that (keeping to avocado and nuts)

Sugar makes me run around like a bobble-headed tweety bird.

Caffeine is ok a little bit at a time, but I can’t sleep very well with much in my system.

I am about 2 weeks into not weighing myself and not eating any specific way.  I am just eating my recommended allowance of fruits/veg (5-9 servings).  I am not limiting.  Other than 5-9 servings of fruit/veg a day I eat what I want.

I might not be as skinny as I was, but I think I need to say screw it for now.  Being healthy is more important than being skinny. 

The last time I tried (hubbend remembers that as the Oreo year) was when I read Intuitive Eating and Overcoming Overeating.  Both good books, but now I am in such a better place that I can do it truly.  Without the oreos .

We are all different.  We all digest differently, have different tastes, energy needs and ability to transfer food into energy.  We all have unique needs, bodies, minds and processes.  And we are all living different lives that fulfill us, stress us and nurture us differently.

This is what is going on with me right now.  Actually nice to have it written down so I can track it.

Health v Responsibility

Some make food decisions based on what tastes good, some on what is good for them and some of what they believe to be the right decision for the world/animals/environment.

Not all the time, I imagine.  Can you actually make those kinds of weighty decisions on a daily basis?  If you ever eat outside the home you know that you are abdicating your decision somewhat for the convenience.  Even restaurants I think of as healthy don’t have the ability to do the due diligence on all of their food (and is it even fiscally responsible for them to do so anyway?).

Health can be taken in a larger scheme.  My health and my family’s health can impact the health system if don’t use it as much.  But you can’t really think in those terms when deciding whether or not to eat the donut.

I used to think the organic term was crap.  But the more I learned about what is being done to the food we ingest the more it began to resonate.  I want to eat happy food.  I don’t want to eat antibiotics and chemicals and hormones.  Oddly though I went to organic produce first.  Is it easier?  Organic meat is another, more complex story it seems to me.  There is so much that goes into the growing, feeding, keeping healthy, killing and processing animal products that it is a harder (or easier perhaps if you just don’t do it) decision to make as the complexities are different for everyone. 

So do you eat food for your health?  Because you are concerned what is happening politically with the food industry?  Do you eat the food you can buy at the store you shop at? 

Are you tired yet?  I am.  Where is the bacon?  Not for me, but my hubbend and son.  They have to make the decision for themselves.  So do you.

Self Acceptance

This topic has been a long time in the making. 

It took a while to figure out that body/self image wasn’t all about the weight.  Interestingly though, it took losing weight to realize it.  Not sure I would have got there.  “Big and loving it” was never going to be my style.

So when I lost the weight and realized everything wasn’t perfect (something I knew intellectually, but not really) I had to finish my work.  My work on being okay with me.

Because self acceptance isn’t just about being okay with my weight, it is being okay with my body, being okay with my role in this world, the way I relate to people and how my mind works.  And that doesn’t happen over night.

So now my daily work continues.  I work on accepting that I eat differently than a lot of people.  That I am a bit extreme in my relationship with my body, but that relationship is healthy for me.  Not anyone else but me.

I am finding purpose in helping others through their journey.  I hope that my struggles will make it easier on them, but know that I needed (as always) to take the hard path.  I am working hard to be happy in my relationship with my son (a struggle every day) and I am trying to reach out more fully to those in my life that I love. 

We’ll see what the next step is.  I don’t know, but I know that I will be ready for it.   Does that make me an optimist?  Nahhh.  Don’t talk crazy.

I give

I have begun to think I’m a bad cook. I really was a bad cook, but over the past few years while staying home with my son I have become quite good (at least we think so).  One facet of my personality is that I get bored easily.  I am always trying out new recipes and searching for great ways to prepare foods I love.  So this raw thing sounded like a new fun challenge.  I started in January with my cleanse and when that was over I just kept on going.  Now some time has past and I have realized something.  The vegan(ish) part?  No problem.  The raw food part?  Ummm, that has been issue-laden.  After 2.5 months I am tired of making highly labor intensive foods that are frankly gross.  When making raw foods you don’t cook, but I am beginning to feel like I am a bad preparer of foods.  And it is taking it’s toll on my cooking psyche.

In case you are wondering, what are things I will never try again?  Pizza.  It is meant to be cooked.  Dehydrating does not will not can not get you the warm gooeyness that is pizza.  And you really need cheese.  Really.  Brussels sprouts.  That might have happened accidently as I love dehydrated broccoli, but the raw bs experience almost killed my fantastic love affair with Brussels sprouts.  So I will stick to my awesome roasted recipe.

At this point I will keep six raw recipes.  Lasagna (for special occasions), Pad Thai, two different kale salads, sprouted buckwheat porridge and a dehydrated portobello mushroom, cashew mayo on almond bread sandwich.  They are all good and will remain in the rotation.  I also enjoy sprouting beans/lentils/grains, raw hummus, all raw smoothies, and a few other ways of incorporating rawness into our eating.

So, I will try to find new recipes this summer.  But I need a break.  I need to rebuild my cooking psyche so I can feel the confidence to once more boldly prepare raw recipes that might just suck.

Self Soothing

I have just returned from my traditional runningerrandsaturday.  One of my last stops was at JC Penny’s to return a curtain rod where I found I was unable to clearly articulate what I needed to do. (Return a curtain rod)  When I finally got out my words I apologized for being so inarticulate (in my normal self-deprecating way) and the cashier suggested I go get a black/ white mocha from Starbucks.  She peppily stated that she had just got one and it really worked for her.  I looked at her, blinked, and paused, trying to get my brain to function whereupon I stated, “I don’t drink caffeine”.  At this point she blinked and seemed entirely confused.  This gave my brain the time to clear as I took a breath and tried to figure out what I really needed.

And I realized it was simple - To sit down.  To breathe.  For a moment.  And do nothing else.

In the past I might have done just what she suggested – go get some caffeine and get that amped feeling that courses through me.  But then the subsequent crash happens and I am back where I started.

So.  I am glad I listened to my body.  And it makes me wonder, what do most people do to self soothe?  Do you listen to what your body actually needs?  Or do you try to fix what is wrong by powering through using external stimuli? 

At this point in my life I am no longer trying to fix my bad parts, but to enhance the good.  I’d love to hear other simple self soothing techniques you have for when you are too busy and frazzled.

Food Grouch

I have recently become a large fan of this blog written by someone who calls herself the Wellness Bitch.  And yesterday after ready a post on FB where someone totally attacked this person for her food choices (she had started a detox) I went to the WB and read something that resonated. 

Why do you think being negative would be productive in getting someone to change their eating habits?  Because I surely turn inward when someone attacks me.  The WB talked about how you sometimes feel like you are the only one standing up for your food choices.  That you feel weird.  And outside.  I don’t feel that way all the time, but I do sometimes.

Sure, it would be lovely if I had grown up a completely different person who didn’t care about food and just blithely went along making good food choices.  Doesn’t that sound great?  But I didn’t and I don’t.  I work hard at this.  I made great food (and horrible food) in this experiment of life that I call eating food that sustains me.  I shop in the bulk and produces sections solely these days in my vegan eating choices with an occasional trip down Tofu Way.

My son doesn’t like the look of these foods understandably (they don’t look at all like a grilled cheese sandwich), but I have to hope that what I am doing will positively impact him.  I don’t want him to struggle like I have.  I am proud that he knows all the vegetables by name in the house and knows food by the glass jar in the pantry, not by the packaging.

I am sorry if I’m a grouch, but this food thing isn’t easy.  The body changes as do the seasons and with that change comes a new set of foods to eat and learn how to cook.  I want to help people (my son, my husband, my family, my clients) make good food choices so they can be healthy for them.  I want people to understand that food isn’t always about hunger, but emotion and the past.  And this is ok.  I am doing the work so I can help others as well as myself.  And to make the decision to finally choose themselves.  Fully.

We all liked Oscar anyway, right?

Self Healing

I have recently become more and more infatuated with Ayurvedic Medicine.  I can even spell it properly now.  I really liked it from the moment I heard about it last fall, but it was a bit more complex than I could grasp in an overview.  Last week’s lesson was dedicated to Ayurveda and after listening to a 2.5 hour lecture and all the attendant research I feel like I have a decent handle on it. 

What do I like about it?  I like that you take ownership of your life through self knowledge.  I love that by knowing your type you can look at what ails you through that lens and find ways to fix the problem.  I can’t sleep at night, well, as a vata it clearly states that I need more grounding activities and should eat warming, grounding foods.  I didn’t have this information before but I knew something was wrong.  It all makes sense now.

It makes sense that I fly around like a crazy person and when I do this in the winter (vata time of year) in combination with eating raw I am feeling unsettled.  I just love it.  I love the power I feel in the potential to heal my own ills. 

I have always admired my hubbend so for how he took control of his illness through western medicine.  Now I have that power too.   Reading a new age-y book recently the author talked about creating your own present and future by talking positively.  This is generally the type of book I would throw across the room, but I loved the idea that the next time hubbend has to go into that surgery room I can bring a little bit of eastern love and ask them to speak positively so we can make sure that we do all we can to heal ourselves.

Self-Care, Self-Healing.  What’s next?  Self-Love!

Self Care

The hubbend and I have conversations occasionally about the past and how things might have gone differently.  Like, what if we hadn’t left Colorado?  What if we hadn’t met?  What if we hadn’t had a child?

I assert that leaving Colorado was the best decision of my life.  And if we hadn’t had a child I have to wonder if I would still be a Library Media Specialist for the Harold Oliver Intermediate School going on my fifth year now. 

One of the questions on the Health History consultation is: when was the time you felt best in your life.  I confidently state it is now.  Why?  Because I have finally learned how to take care of myself.  At 35 I feel the fittest, happiest and most fulfilled I have ever felt.  Which is why I found myself thinking about the past this morning.  If I were a LMS at HO would I have learned all I have about my body and it’s potential in the past 5 years?  Is there something about having a child that, ironically, has taught me how to take care of myself?  Interesting that being a mom could teach me to have better self care in that this is the time most mom’s neglect themselves.

How do you take care of yourself?  I do it through exercise, but that is something that has developed over the years.  Yes, I have always exercised.  First, to make sure I was in shape enough to play soccer and then just because it was what I did.  Now, I get so much more from it.  I do laps in the pool and instead of being bored I find myself solving problems.  I run and get to spend time with friends or just enjoy the fresh air.  I practice yoga in a healing space that grounds me yet allows me to fly.  It is more than cardiovascular now.  It is spiritual.  Weird.  Cool.

So I ask again, how do you take care of yourself?  And if you don’t know, pleaseplease think about it.  And then build it into your day.

Take Care.

Book Review: The China Study

Talk about mind-blowing science!  You weren’t?  Well, this eminently readable book blew my mind at first.  This seminal epidemiological study conducted in China shows us the relationship between cancer and our nutrition.

The China Study was conducted over 15 years by T. Colin Campbell in conjunction with two Chinese scientists and a huge team of people.  This is definitely one of those books where reading the introduction is necessary. As the book continues he begins to lose me on some of his extrapolations and I am not sure about all of the science, but I believe the study itself to be highly relevant.  I will continue to read other nutrition books (in fact I found myself cross-checking his data and finding with another book I am reading) in search of the truth for me.

Only read this if you want to know how important your food choices are.  And really really read this if there is a cancer in your family.

T. Colin Campbell is in the the upcoming movie “Forks over Knives”.  So he’s still trying to get the word out 20 years later.  I can’t wait to see it.

Colon Cleanse (pt 1 of 2)

I started the Blessed Herbs Colon Cleanse December 30 with the hubbend.  The first three days are designed to regulate your digestion and lower your food intake in preparation for the fasting portion. 

Day One I ate some cooked foods, but days 2 and 3 I was completely raw.  I also had a headache (low grade) all three days.  At first I thought it was caffeine, but finally decided it must be sugar withdrawal.  Also, a lingering two week old cough disappeared on Day Two.

Colon Cleanse Day 2

Day Three I was exceptionally cranky and had no energy.

The first day of the fast I felt much better amazingly.  Had energy and even went on a (rather paltry) run.

Day Four

The cleanse went a lot better this time than the last time.  I regularly was eliminating some weirdweird stuff. 

Day Seven

This has been interesting and nice that it was successful.  I have had really stable moods, which I really enjoy.  I am ready for it to be done, but am anticipating the next step – the Internal Cleanse!  I am also really ready for food.  Surprised?  Stay tuned for more on my January Experiment 2011!

* Not sure why audio and video aren’t synced.  Will have to work that out if I keep using this format.   Hope you enjoy it!!

Life is Pain, Highness

I like that quote a lot and I’ll tell you why.  This quote doesn’t mean that life sucks, it says that we can handle a lot more than we think.  Most people do everything they can to avoid pain – pain in the form of hunger, physical or emotion.  But pain can be good.  Pain stretches your muscles to be stronger, more flexible and quicker.  Pain in the form of hunger makes you appreciate the fullness and to remove some of the mental fear of not enough.  Emotional pain is the pain we feel from disappointment, loss, fear or anger.

So why am I thinking about this?  I was wondering if I am too extreme sometimes.  If doing a colon cleanse and the internal cleanse is just causing me pain.  Couldn’t I just stick to my old, don’t drink alcohol in January?   The answer is a big no.  Because I like pain (highness) in the sense that I like to see what my body can do, how it feels and what is possible.  I don’t want to let life sit on me.  I want to climb up and live, exploring what is possible in me.

Respect your limits, but push them occasionally.  You might be surprised how far you can go.

Five Pounds is a lot

I didn’t really realize it, but five pounds is a lot.  I hadn’t ever been five pounds over my weight before.  Usually more like twenty… So I didn’t know how much it was bothering me until it was gone.  I knew I didn’t like my body in clothes and I knew the number was high, but the number and I have other issues to deal with.

So after trips out east, Thanksgiving, Christmas season and cinnamon roll yumminess I just was feeling funky.  I wasn’t really motivated to do our January cleanse, but now that I am in the middle of it I truly love that I do one annually. 

I read somewhere yesterday that January is a bad and arbitrary time to do a cleanse.  It is cold and that cleanses don’t really solve a weight problem.  This I know.  But here is what makes that not relevant for me.  I needed something to change.  I need the restart to my brain and I can’t do it with “just eat better”, Brooke.  I need to purge my system of that weight that seemed more than just five pounds because it weighed on my mind and soul as well.

When I start eating food again on Friday I will be mostly raw for the month due to the Internal Cleanse that follows, (which I am really excited about, by the way) but this I know.  I will listen to myself and my body and honor what it wants (mmmm, black bean burrito and a really good fiction book to read).  And I will have wiped clean the old feeling of “bad” with my body back the way it is supposed to look.  I feel freer right now (maybe partially high due to a lack of food) and I know this is me doing what I am supposed to be doing.  Here.  Right now.

Serving Size

I like to finish my plate, don’t you?  I also like feeling satisfied by my meal and some of that comes from the mind - the thought that you finished your plate/meal.

I know now that if I am eating a animal based protein that is a max 4oz serving size and the remainder of my plate is a green/vegetable mix.   I know that and when I am making my own food I create meals that mostly satiate my mind and my body’s needs.  I say mostly because occasionally, in the name of health I create a meal that doesn’t satiate one or both of these needs.  These are the meals that end up with me in the chip cabinet at 10pm.

So my problem primarily occurs when I eat out.  At restaurants.  Because they serve HUGE portions.  Portions I could not possibly eat no matter how hard I try.  And believe me, I try.

Americans value value.  So we eat a lot of cheap foods.  I try not be like this, but still get stuck in the rut when I go to a restaurant and really want to feel the satisfaction of “finishing” my meal.  I can’t.  Or I do and truly feel like shit afterward.  It is really nice having something to take home sometimes so that I can eat it again another day.  But sometime couldn’t a restaurant just serve the proper serving size?

I know, I know the restaurant/food company/FDA’s job isn’t to make us healthy.  But every once in a while I would like to go somewhere and be served good food that satisfied me.   Food that made me feel like I’d had enough.

I don’t ignore my emotional issues, I’m just asking for some assistance.  You’d think the health care system would appreciate someone like me.  I won’t cost them as much.  In the long run people like me, while we might be a pain in the ass, are the ones that will live those healthy lives with less diet-related health concerns.  That is a good thing.  Right?

Internal Dialogue

*Warning: not for the faint of heart.  If you don't like swearing or negative talk then just stop reading now.

This is the internal dialogue between the two of me: Skinny Bitch (SB) and Big Fat Cow (BFC).

SB-Dude, you suck.  You are fat, gross and are really ruining my awesomeness.  I look awesome and you are supremely disgusting with your fat hanging out everywhere.
BFC- You just need to chill out.  You are stressing me out.  Why do you have to be such hard work?  It is just food after all.
SB-You are making us a hypocrite!  How could anyone believe I am healthy and eat well if I am big and fat?
BFC- A: your standards are just a wee to high.  We are NOT fat.  However, to answer that question.  People don't expect you to be perfect.  You will be a successful health coach because of your life experience and your unique contributions.
SB-Ya.  My "unique contributions".  What people really want is a happy, sunny person.  Neither of us are that.
BFC- It is true.  But we are real.  We have always valued that, haven't we?
SB- YesYes, but can't you just shove over for a little bit?  You have been in charge for most of my life.  Can't I just lead for a while?  I have only had one year!
BFC-Ya, and what have you done with that year?
SB- A TON!  I eat so much better, I am so aware of what I am putting in my body and have more energy.  I am not depressed anymore (remember depression, fatso?) and am sleeping better.
BFC- Good points, but still.  CHILL OUT!

SB is quiet for a while. 
SB-I want to chill out.
BFC-I want to honor our decisions to eat well and life a balanced happy life.  I like us.
SB-ya.  I need to be alone for a while.  Can we talk later?
BFC-Take Care.  Love you.

Chicken guilt

When I first started cooking I learned to make chicken.  And when my mom would come to visit we would head to Costco to get their individually wrapped chicken breasts.  Et voila, Brooke had what she needed to make whatever chicken dish she could find.

I love my chicken cashew salad recipe.  It is so great, easy, and great as leftovers.  I have made it for at least 6 years and chances are that I’ve made it for you. 

When I lost weight last year I found the easiest way to maintain it (and lose it initially) was a diet low in starchy carbs, high in protein.  This is not a diet that can (or should) be maintained for a long time as we do not need this much protein in our diets.  About six months ago, once I was finally confident that I would maintain my weight loss, I began working on eating less protein and adding more complex carbohydrates in my diet. <tangent> I should mention that I have added in more mono and polyunsaturated fats into my diet… They fill you up and give your brain something to live on.  If I hear “fats make you fat” one more time I might scream!! </tangent>   I also had my long standing sugar problem to work on.  This fall, I realized that all those sugary vegetables could totally help those cravings.  How exciting!

So now I find myself eating very little (meat-based) protein and feeling happier because I am bingeing less on those sugary foods. 

When I went to Costco Monday to stock up for Thanksgiving I bought some chicken out of habit.  it had been on my Costco list for over a month and I just hadn’t missed it in the freezer.  It is crazy though because ever since I put it in the car I realized that I didn’t want it, I didn’t need that much chicken any more and fully bought it because I used to.  I even feel some guilt knowing it is in my freezer right now.  These days when I make my cashew chicken salad I usually make it with turkey.  Local, organic, turkey.  A turkey or chicken that lived a decent life.  Because I am not going to stop eating protein all together.  I don’t find that morally I feel that need.  But I do have enough knowledge now to want to eat things that have lived a good life and I want to put things in my body that are going to enhance my experience of living.

What am I thankful for?  The knowledge that I’ve acquired to know that I am filling my body up with good foods, treated humanely and filling myself up with goodness as well.  I am going to go make my Thanksgiving turkey now that has been brining over night.  I am going to dance a little and talk nicely to it as I do.  It could only do good right?  If mood contributes to who you are it can certainly contribute to what happens when you eat.

Take Care and have a GREAT Thanksgiving!