This is 44

I turned 44 yesterday and passed one of the first milestones on this no sugar experiment.  My birthday dinner if often centered around where I want to eat dessert.  Sometimes because I am trying to keep those pesky glutens and dairy out of my diet (because they make my stomach unhappy) and sometimes because I just want to have it! Yesterday, because dessert was taken out of the equation I picked a restaurant based on the main meal itself and was able to enjoy that experience with my boys without a thought as to whether I'd be too full/stomach-hurty/fat/unhappy to eat dessert.  And I am so pleased.

#Thisis44 is a common hashtag on my Facebook feed as many of my online friends are re-connections from high school.  We are all turning 44 and trying to figure out what that means, what it looks like and how to move forward toward 50.  eek.

So this morning I woke up sans hangover of any kind, really hungry, and ready to start my workday I was pleased that this experiment seems to be working.  This may be 44, but I keep getting better - at least that's what my husband says.

What is sugar?

So I heard someone say, "...during that year you didn't eat sugar" during a podcast yesterday and I smiled to myself.  I haven't eaten sugar for two months and I thought, "What if I did it for ten more months?"  How extreme is that you wonder?  Not so much when you consider I did it for health reasons.  I have been trying for years to figure out what is going on with my body.  At 40 my mind-body connection decided to go to pieces and I've been trying to unfuck it since.  I've done a pretty good job going at it from all angles: diet, exercise, allergies tests, ENT, asthma medications, breathing, meditation, acupuncture.  The result is pretty good health, but a constantly runny nose.

Why no sugar? One of the last remaining mental blocks I have around food is that constant wondering when I next get to eat it.  And it makes me wonder, why would I let something else be in control of me?  I have never liked it and have removed everything else that controls me, so why would I keep this one just for the sake of other peoples comfort and the occasional piece of cake.  This time I wouldn't be quitting sugar for extrinsic reasons, it finally is because I want to feel better on the inside.  I want to feel in control of my body (I really hate that runny nose).  When my ND said no sugar for a month to see if that would fix my runny nose due to candida in my system you know I was willing to try it.

I'm not sure if you know, but I stopped drinking over four years ago.  And it started with a few months, then 6 months, then a year and then... why drink?  I feel better not drinking so why start again now.  I noticed early how related drinking was to sugar and had a friend who drank a lot who told me they didn't have a sweet tooth... until they stopped drinking and noticed their sugar cravings.  I've never claimed to be one of those silly savory people.  I've developed a savory tooth over the years due to my diligence in my diet, but that sweet tooth still persists.

So when I heard no sugar for a year it echoed that feeling.  I feel better with no sugar - and it isn't low inflammation, more energy stuff.  I still have a runny nose and have been sick more in the past year then in my whole life, but I feel better not thinking about when I'm next going to eat sugar.  There was a release at some point about two weeks into the start in March- oh, no sugar, great, let's move on.  And what a breathe, a great deep one, that was.  And is.  So I'll continue to not eat sugar... Why make it formal?  Because things are coming up - holidays that generally involve sugar, Mother's Day, my birthday, a post competition celebration and three birthdays in June.  And I realized I was dreading them because I didn't want to start planning and thinking and hoping that I once again would get stuck in that rut of waiting for my next sugaring.

Before I move I need to know.  What is sugar?  And it seems to come down to honey.  Added sugars are no.  For sure.  But honey as a flavoring seems to be bugging me.  I talked to the hubbend and we wondered if zero meant zero or if there was a gradation of intent.  Or was the total percentage within an item that constitutes "sugar".   I've waffled and wondered now for a day about three items: ketchup, honey mustard dressing and PamNTam's (my local farmer) pork sausage.  And I've decided, yes, they are sugar.  Mostly because I don't want to give them up.  

I am sitting here wondering what is next. My official start date was March 6.  It's on?!?!

foodicles

I don’t often make raw meals any more.  I did for a while, but my boys didn’t like them that much and they are really quite a lot of work to make.  A lot of work, planning and expensive.  For all that I am willing to make the effort if it is loved.  but if it isn’t then why? 

So this morning I found myself making a raw meal for tomorrow night’s dinner.  Because that is when you have to get started.  I haven’t even started tonight’s dinner, which makes my brain get all twisted, but I still enjoyed it.  Occasionally, having different foods is fun!

So I get in my car to go work out and the audiobook I am listening starts up.  And what is the author dissecting?  The evolution of the processed meal.  How women used to have no choice but to be at home and manage the home and the food and with the invention of the processed meal it allowed women to fully express themselves and not have to spend all their time making food for their family.

Hmm.  I have struggled with this for a while now.  I would rather spend time planning, ordering, purchasing and preparing meals for my family than rushing around and sacrificing good nutrition.  But that is MY (or rather OUR) choice.  I have felt external as well as internal struggle as to whether this is enough.  This time consuming and important job at which I am currently employed.

And that brings me back to this morning.  It feels like some sort of defeat of the modern woman that  I don’t have paid employment.  Since this is such a new option for women.  But I have had plenty of jobs.  And I pretty much hate them all.  So why would I do that?  Just to make money? 

Is it really such a luxury that I stay home?  is it really such a bonbon eating, feet up kind of life?  I disagree.  But until I get paid for it then I will continue to defend this way of life.  And feel good about my role in providing a safe and edible home to my boys.

Do you love roses?

I do.  I remember when I started planning my wedding that I began to hear that so many people don’t love roses.  I can’t imagine.  They are so beautiful, cylindrical, conical, so elegant.  And sometimes, oh sometimes, they smell so amazing.  Like nothing else. 

During that time I began to garden.  I never had before.  A brown thumb that could kill anything.  And for many years I loved gardening.

Now I live in this house that has begun to represent all the hardship of the past few years.  It represents the darkness that grows within my and the literal darkness that disallows gardening here.  The beautiful trees prohibit it.

So I just finished a book (so many things I write about begin this way) and these best friends take walks to admire the roses.  And I realized that in this city of roses that I can’t wait for my partner and friend to be able to join me on walks to admire the roses.  When that will be I don’t know.  But as I run, hurry and rush around life I admire the people who slow down, walk around and admire the roses.

Craptastic.

I have been quiet for a while.  A long while really, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about food, lifestyle choices and emotional eating.  What I came to about six months ago was that I am tired of dieting, of dieting choices, of thinking about foods I do or do not eat because of some reason important or not.  I am tired of spending so much time on why I am not the size, shape, fitness I want to be.  My first memory of being “chubby” was when I was eleven.  That is a long time to be thinking about this.  Yes, it is important.  It is vital.  Really, how can anything be important if you don’t have your health?

But for me, that isn’t the problem.  My health is good.  My fitness is good.  My eating is good.  It is my head-case-ness about eating that isn’t.  And this, unfortunately, hasn’t changed through all the experimentation, the great ways of eating and the interesting lifestyle choices.

So, for the last six months I have just done what I wanted (mostly).  And (mostly) it works.  I am larger than I would like, I am slower than I would like and I eat meat (more than I would like).

I no longer want to be special.  Eat special.  Be different.  I rarely even talk about it.  I tell people I am a librarian, even though my license is about to expire.  I just don’t want to talk about it anymore.

The problem is the problem.  It isn’t solved.  I still eat emotionally, destructively and without regard for my digestive system.  I am still waiting to see when I will just grow the fuck up and stop eating crap.  Desiring crap.  Needing crap. 

I keep trying.  Knowing that life is good.  That things are definitely better than they were.  But that doesn’t help in the moment.  That moment of self hate and painful self talk.

So, I stay quiet.  I have learned people don’t want to hear this stuff.  But ultimately, this is for me.  And when it needs to come out.  And writing it is much better than eating it.

Swim-time musings on friendship

I don’t have a really close group of friends I spend all my time with.  But that doesn’t mean I value my friends any less.  I value my friends for their contribution to my life in each in their unique way.  And even though we don’t see each other all the time I think about you often, send you good thoughts, and look forward to seeing you when it works out. 

So when we make plans I put it in my calendar, look forward to it, and fit it into my schedule.  Now I know you are very busy (as am I) and I know that most people are not as organized/anal as I am, but I do expect people to show up when planned and stick to the plans they make with me.  I get frustrated when things go awry.  What you should know - I get over it so quickly (who wants to live in anger?).

So, please, don’t make me wrong and go away because of this, as then I would not only miss out on our fun outing, but would also miss (out on) my friend!

Where is the Health?

The first time I tried to eat vegan (for a one week experiment) it was an utter failure.  I didn’t have any energy, I didn’t like the food, and having spent the last six months being paleo I certainly couldn’t wrap my health around eating that many grains and losing weight.  At that time paleo was a hugely popular diet.  It still is, but seemingly being vegan has usurped it as the next “it” diet.  I find this INSANE.  And irritating.  And well, because I am a bit juvenile in my food emotions, it makes me want to go eat a bunch of steak.

But really, this abuts a concern I have had for a while.  When considering why you eat a certain way  and for that way to be permanent it really can’t be a way to lose weight.  If you want to eat paleo because you like the energy it gives you and you feel great then you should definitely eat that way.  If you are solely eating that way to lose weight then it is just a diet and one you will eventually rebound off of. 

And that, my friends, is my concern with the vegan excitement out there.  Because I love eating vegan, I think it makes my skin glow, it is good for the environment, the animals and the humans alike.  It is great.  (for many, not all)  But it should NOT be a diet.  As in, a way to lose weight.  It should not. 

Where is the health in eating this way if it is going to make you rebound into another way of eating that will reverse the great health strides you have made.  If you need to lower your cholesterol, blood pressure, lose weight, avoid diabetes and start to eat a vegan diet (begrudgingly) because it is the current craze then that change will not be permanent.  And just another diet.

Today I am thinking in small steps.  No vegan, no paleo, no labels or rules.  I am sitting inside my body and asking it to tell me what it needs.  Maybe in the silence I will let the juvenile out for a dance and eat like the evolving woman I am.

Not My Fight

 I recently started a long term sub position as a High School Librarian.  Filling in during someone’s maternity leave would allow me to get back in the library to decide whether it is something I still want to do and more importantly, TO MAKE MONEY.  You see, my husband works for the State of Oregon and has been furloughed at least every other month for the past three years.  So, we need the money.

When I found out, within weeks of me starting at this position, that the teacher’s union might strike, I groaned.  I am not a union member.  I am here to work.  We have increased daycare costs associated with this decision.  We need me to make money so I can pay for it.  This is not my fight.

As my husband said last night, “This is so something that would happen to you”.  Of course it is.  This is my life.  I finally get a regular job.  I go to work every morning at the crack ass of dawn to a job I don’t like so I can help support our family and they want to take the money away.  This is so my life.

I respect what these teacher’s want.  I am very interested in the process.  I am intrigued to see how it all turns out.  But this is not my fight. 

The press is out front.  The students are inside like any other day.  What will happen on April 22?  We shall see. 

Brooke Needs More Food

Every family has ritualized stories told about the members.  My story, usually told by my father, involves me crying on the soccer field at eight when my awesome rainbow colored shoes laces got muddy.  My brother’s story involves him (at three? four?) stating, “Brett NEEDS more food”.  Well, I guess I am channeling my brother, because Brooke needs more food.

You may or may not know that I am working at a school library this spring.  Knowing that I am sitting more I started making food decision based on that.  I made green juices, smoothies and salads for my meals.  All great meals, but just not substantive enough.  Even though I am sitting around I still need enough food to feel satisfied.  Enough food so that I don’t want to snack or eat a huge dinner.  More importantly, enough food to have the energy to workout in the afternoon (a time I really don’t want to be working out). 

Eating enough food is a common topic amongst those trying to lose weight, maintain weight or even those who want to gain weight.  I guess that means everyone, doesn’t it?  Enough is really more complex than the calories consumed because it addresses the mental aspect.  I suspect that is the more challenging and for me, sitting in a library all day, it is making this more challenging than normal.  You see, I am not busy at the library.  I am trying to fill my time and naturally I start thinking about lunch.  When the kids come in with their (rather foul smelling) lunches then I know it will be time for me to eat soon.  When the kids come in with their sandwiches and sodas and cheetos I start thinking about my smoothie.  Which suddenly doesn’t seem satisfying enough.

So today I began again.  I made myself a big ole salad with lots of fun, crunchy foods, a variety of textures, proteins, fats and I believe a whole head of lettuce.  J.  That sounds like enough food.  Maybe too much.  That is a problem I can handle.

Stevia Blues

I made some protein breakfast bars and I got the numb numbly feeling on my tongue.  I hadn’t felt that for some time, probably since the very first time I used stevia in a recipe about 7 years ago.  I didn’t notice the conversion rate, used wayyyyyy too much and created a grossly sweet recipe that was inedible.  For years I never thought I would eat stevia again. 

Many years later I rediscovered it. Now I regularly use the liquid form mostly to slightly sweeten my smoothies, my coffee, or various recipes that call for sweetening.  I still think about the function of my sweet needs: does my food need the stickiness of honey to bind it, the earthy flavor of maple syrup or do I just need something to be a little bit sweeter?  If the answer is the latter then I use stevia.

So so sad I am that the numb tongue is back.  The recipe said to use the powdered form (I had the liquid out).  Not sure why it would say powdered, but against my better judgment (not wanting it to be too sweet) I used packets.  I used the minimum.  I thought it would be ok.  It was not.

Stevia is such a strong sweetener, so different from the artificial sweeteners or even sugar.  I don’t think this type of thing would happen with honey.  You just wouldn’t use that much.  The stevia leaf is so sweet and so intense.  I still will use it.  But I think I can’t make that recipe again.  It is so bust for me.

What are you… selling?

I have long resisted any kind of sales position.  I was a teller in college.  That didn’t sell any stocks.  I was a event manager… that didn’t sell banking relationships.  I was a development associate… that didn’t sell theater tickets.  I have long resisted any job that relied on me selling anything.  Anything that relied on myself.

Today my hubbend reminded me that I don’t sell weight loss.  I sell health counseling.  Clients (and I) get caught up in our goals, but really, when some hires me who wants to lose weight they are buying something I can’t deliver.  I cannot lose weight for someone else.  They have to do it themselves.  Weight loss isn’t easy.  It isn’t simple.  It takes hard work, a dedication to a goal, and a prioritization that many don’t have.  (which is why so many fail)

So I wonder why I am doing this rather sales related job (something I have long denied doing) when it is something that has such a high failure rate?  It is something I finally believe in.  Something that is so important.  Something that our lives depend on.

I don’t want to live my life in ill health.  I want to thrive.  I want to live a life of being, feeling, thinking and doing.  All within the harmony of living.

Don’t you?

Food Rules

I have gone back and forth about having food rules.  While one hand thinks it is something my teenage self would want to rebel against, the other hand thinks it is a good idea to have some structure in my life to guide my eating habits.  I don’t want to put it on my refrigerator (that seems so 2008) so I thought I’d write them out here.

1-Meals should be based on plant sources

2-When eating carbs they should be whole grains or starches (note to self to make crackers)

3-Remember to put beans/mushrooms into meals so I get enough protein in my diet (avoiding dizziness while in handstands is a good thing)

4 -Caffeine and alcohol no more than three times a week

5- Eat only whole soy products with the very occasional soy milk (and not very often at that)

6-Only eat animal products meaningfully, not lazily

7-Sweets are for the weekend

Upon editing this a bit I tried to keep the language about what is in my diet, not concentrating on what I want to keep out.  A little mentality out there for you . (yes, I know that is not a real word, but it seemed apt.)

I think what this list shows me is what I struggling with right now or what I think is really important.  I wanted to add a rule about no more than three meals a day, but that isn’t a challenge for me so I didn’t.  So, these rules are my guidelines, my way of eating that makes me feel good.  My way of eating that I eat when my head doesn’t eat me first.

Inner beast

And my inner beasty rears its ugly head.

Like so many things we tend to attribute the bad parts of us to outside causes.  I was reading a book recently where the main protagonist was fighting against herself in a good vs bad battle to make the right decisions.  She called the bad side “the beast” until she realized it was all her.

Such it is with me.  Sometimes the beast is calm.  I make good food decisions, I eat really well, and enjoy doing so.  Other times the beast takes over and I feel out of control, unhappy about it, but seemingly can’t stop it.  This cycle builds and builds until I am so irritated, so out of control that I have to bitch slap the beast and start again.

And so it begins again.  I do a cleanse.  I restart my good habits, clean eating, listening to my foods rules that the beast so easily eschews.  This lasts longer and longer as I have built in this cycle starting from strength. 

Sometimes I think the beast is dead.  I think I am so strong now I can handle anything.  But then something so simple trips me up and I eat something I wouldn’t usually eat and it then another and then another. 

It is really frustrating to wish that food could just be the energy to provides my body the strength to do the things that makes me appreciate living in me.  Once again I have to sit back, think about how to build from strength and appreciate the weakness so that cycle can be stronger this time and perhaps I can learn, make adjustments and do it again better.

I love the clean part so.  I love the calm in my brain.  I must remember not to feel such a fraud.  I am not perfect.  Who is?  I am on this path.  Every moment of my life has brought me here.  What can I learn from this to take me into the future with love?

Swim-time Musings on Fast Food

As I attempted to use my Burgerville card today to check into the rec center I began to think about the last time I had been there (last December).  I then decided to figure out how many times I had eaten fast food this year.  I counted five (three trips to In and Out, one to Taco Bell, and one life saving trip to Dairy Queen).  All were travel/road trip related.  And in the case of the dairy queen I wouldn’t have made it home otherwise. 

Fast food is often blamed for the nation’s obesity problem, but as you can tell that isn’t the case with me and I still struggle with food and my weight.  Well, eating isn’t a struggle but it certainly is work.  It is work to be mindful in how I eat, how often I eat, and what I choose to eat.  I used to only think about how it would affect my weight, but as I age I think more along the lines of if it will give me energy and whether it will keep me up at night.  So along the way I have given up caffeine and those awesome diet pepsis and because they certainly don’t give me energy and they keep me up at night.  I continuously work towards eating in a way that will allow me to live my life, look my best, and yet share in my family/community’s eating.  So yes, it is work.  But it is work that is worth it.

I read a Deepak Chopra article last week that made me think about my son and my childhood when it spoke about childhood obesity.  He wrote, “80 percent of obese youth become obese adults.”  That is horrifying.  I was never obese, but was certainly bigger as a child.  My weight would not have been a concern as compared to children these days.  I know the habits formed as a child are so much more important.  I worry about these children as I looked around the high school I subbed at last.  They don’t know what they are doing to themselves.  As adults, we do.  It is so much harder to break habits formed as a child than those started as adults.  I wish I could help them, but will just continue to do the best with my child and those around me.  That is all I can do right now, but really, it isn’t enough.

Cleansing vs detoxing

Every once in a while most of us feel a little bogged down and try to eat a “clean” diet for a while.  This is a great thing to do.  A great way to reset your system is to do a cleanse or detox.  I just finished the “Colorado Cleanse” with Dr. John Douillard.  I have read a number of Dr. Douillard’s books as I have been exploring Ayurveda.  Ayurveda is the India principle of eating based on body types and seasonality (very simply put).  

Cleansing is a great way of cleaning out the body of nasty foods that are bogging down your system.  Taking some time out of your daily eating routine to development new patterns.  Detoxing is taking it to a new level.  That is moving cleaning out the bacteria, villi, resetting your digestion, and a general healing of your system.  This is a great way to expose the weaknesses in your digestive system.

The first time I do a cleanse or detox I usually have a hard time.  The more times I do it, the more I learn about my body and the better I feel.  So as I hone in on the the weaknesses I feel within my body and spend quiet time figuring out how to heal myself.

I having Dr. Douillard lead this cleanse.  I will probably do it on my own next time.  So, this spring you should join me!  You will feel better for it!

When’s the party?

So, I graduated today.  OK, this may be my photo from my master’s degree graduation, but I thought the day worthy of some note.

What does this mean?  Not sure, actually.  I have just began making plans for a long term sub position as a school librarian,  but I also have many plans for getting myself out there as a certified holistic health counselor. 

What  I have noticed over the past few months as my life has been consumed by a seemingly unending comedy of things gone wrong is that I revert to my quiet self.  The self that likes being a librarian because then I don’t have to talk as much.  The person that was drawn to library science, cataloguing, and the general life-long love I have had of libraries. 

There is a difference now.  I talk about going to the school and finding new clients there.  I need to get myself out into the world to find them.  That scares me, but I know they are out there just beyond my reach. 

So Happy Graduation, me, and I hope that this transition will bring more nuanced fulfillment and a continuing evolvement of that thing that is being Brooke.

People

People suck at taking advice.  So sayeth the author of the book I am currently reading.  He has amused me a few times already and I am only a few pages in.  The part of that quote that makes me chuckle is the part of me that is trying to have a business based on my giving advice.  And i have certainly noticed that often people don't take it.  Even when they ask for it.  They really (and this is probably for the best long-term anyway) just want to do what they want to do.  And that is what they do.

I occasionally find it frustrating that they bother to ask for this advice in the first place.  Mostly though I have learned that I need to reiterate these points later, note them for myself, and figure out how to say it to them so that they think they decided to do it themselves.  And that is the crux of this thing I am trying to do.

Kuuuu neeeee

My knee hurts

I ran a bit today to keep from getting totally drenched.  Yes, it is July and  still spring here, but that is another story.

My knee hurts.

I might have high expectations for my body and what I want it to do.

But running one block is not high.  Can’t everyone run ONE block?  If they can’t well I don’t want to be everyone anyway.

</end bitching>

Body Ownership

Recently someone told me that I was the only person in his life that he didn’t hug.  Now, I have to imagine that is an exaggeration, but still, that hit a mark.  Shocking for me to hear this as I used to consider myself an excellent hugger (still do actually, just don’t do it much).  In truth though, I stopped hugging because I didn’t want to.  I found myself uncomfortable with the whole act.  Hugs often feel dishonest to me and that very statement means I that I am carrying some story there.

So, I thought I’d look through my hugging history:

-High school – chubby, mom-figure to my soccer team hugged and carried everyone (resultant back pain ensued)

-College still loved hugging, especially the feeling of hugging big guys so I could feel enveloped.  Began to notice people that were especially bad huggers.  You know, the ones that either pat or lean and keep their body from touching you?

-Post college friends – there is too much drama there that I don’t choose to go into, but this is definitely when I stopped trusting hugs.  Yes, I said trusting.  Because this is when I stopped trusting people.  Stopped trusting them to be true and honest and good.  So I stopped wanting to touch people, because a hug was too intimate and I didn’t want a hug to be a lie.

-So I finally had a child and having this child meant that I had to be touched.  Constantly.  And this really put the nail in the coffin of hugging.  I certainly didn’t want to be touched by anyone else because I never got to choose the touching.  I began to resent this touching and it took many years to get over it.

-I think I got cats again last fall because I was ready for touch again, I think, but I definitely want my space.  I want to choose my touches, but I am ready for more contact in my life.  (I think there will be more on this later.)

So this person wasn’t the first person to notice it in my life, but they certainly have me thinking.  I have been trying to hug more.  But honestly and only when it feels real.  I won’t hug everyone, but I will hug people who I care about just to remind them in an unspoken way that I do care.  I love to hug my son and my husband (who are both exceptionally good huggers), and I go in for good hugs with my friends.  No half assing it here.

In a time where I don’t necessarily feel like I have a ton of ownership in my life, it is nice to feel this.  A good hug goes a long way.

Sigh

SO.

(sung to melody of children’s “bone” song)

Knee pain is connected to the tibia

Hip pain is connected to the knee

Head pain is connected to the tired mind

Shoulder pain is connected to the … (oh wait, I haven’t figured that one out yet)

Surgery it is, folks.  Sigh.

September 15 I will no longer be whole, but an altered being sewn together by someone other than whoever created me to begin this whole thing called life.

I think I might have to mourn than more than the loss of soccer, but the loss of whole. self.  me.