This is 44

I turned 44 yesterday and passed one of the first milestones on this no sugar experiment.  My birthday dinner if often centered around where I want to eat dessert.  Sometimes because I am trying to keep those pesky glutens and dairy out of my diet (because they make my stomach unhappy) and sometimes because I just want to have it! Yesterday, because dessert was taken out of the equation I picked a restaurant based on the main meal itself and was able to enjoy that experience with my boys without a thought as to whether I'd be too full/stomach-hurty/fat/unhappy to eat dessert.  And I am so pleased.

#Thisis44 is a common hashtag on my Facebook feed as many of my online friends are re-connections from high school.  We are all turning 44 and trying to figure out what that means, what it looks like and how to move forward toward 50.  eek.

So this morning I woke up sans hangover of any kind, really hungry, and ready to start my workday I was pleased that this experiment seems to be working.  This may be 44, but I keep getting better - at least that's what my husband says.

What is sugar?

So I heard someone say, "...during that year you didn't eat sugar" during a podcast yesterday and I smiled to myself.  I haven't eaten sugar for two months and I thought, "What if I did it for ten more months?"  How extreme is that you wonder?  Not so much when you consider I did it for health reasons.  I have been trying for years to figure out what is going on with my body.  At 40 my mind-body connection decided to go to pieces and I've been trying to unfuck it since.  I've done a pretty good job going at it from all angles: diet, exercise, allergies tests, ENT, asthma medications, breathing, meditation, acupuncture.  The result is pretty good health, but a constantly runny nose.

Why no sugar? One of the last remaining mental blocks I have around food is that constant wondering when I next get to eat it.  And it makes me wonder, why would I let something else be in control of me?  I have never liked it and have removed everything else that controls me, so why would I keep this one just for the sake of other peoples comfort and the occasional piece of cake.  This time I wouldn't be quitting sugar for extrinsic reasons, it finally is because I want to feel better on the inside.  I want to feel in control of my body (I really hate that runny nose).  When my ND said no sugar for a month to see if that would fix my runny nose due to candida in my system you know I was willing to try it.

I'm not sure if you know, but I stopped drinking over four years ago.  And it started with a few months, then 6 months, then a year and then... why drink?  I feel better not drinking so why start again now.  I noticed early how related drinking was to sugar and had a friend who drank a lot who told me they didn't have a sweet tooth... until they stopped drinking and noticed their sugar cravings.  I've never claimed to be one of those silly savory people.  I've developed a savory tooth over the years due to my diligence in my diet, but that sweet tooth still persists.

So when I heard no sugar for a year it echoed that feeling.  I feel better with no sugar - and it isn't low inflammation, more energy stuff.  I still have a runny nose and have been sick more in the past year then in my whole life, but I feel better not thinking about when I'm next going to eat sugar.  There was a release at some point about two weeks into the start in March- oh, no sugar, great, let's move on.  And what a breathe, a great deep one, that was.  And is.  So I'll continue to not eat sugar... Why make it formal?  Because things are coming up - holidays that generally involve sugar, Mother's Day, my birthday, a post competition celebration and three birthdays in June.  And I realized I was dreading them because I didn't want to start planning and thinking and hoping that I once again would get stuck in that rut of waiting for my next sugaring.

Before I move I need to know.  What is sugar?  And it seems to come down to honey.  Added sugars are no.  For sure.  But honey as a flavoring seems to be bugging me.  I talked to the hubbend and we wondered if zero meant zero or if there was a gradation of intent.  Or was the total percentage within an item that constitutes "sugar".   I've waffled and wondered now for a day about three items: ketchup, honey mustard dressing and PamNTam's (my local farmer) pork sausage.  And I've decided, yes, they are sugar.  Mostly because I don't want to give them up.  

I am sitting here wondering what is next. My official start date was March 6.  It's on?!?!

foodicles

I don’t often make raw meals any more.  I did for a while, but my boys didn’t like them that much and they are really quite a lot of work to make.  A lot of work, planning and expensive.  For all that I am willing to make the effort if it is loved.  but if it isn’t then why? 

So this morning I found myself making a raw meal for tomorrow night’s dinner.  Because that is when you have to get started.  I haven’t even started tonight’s dinner, which makes my brain get all twisted, but I still enjoyed it.  Occasionally, having different foods is fun!

So I get in my car to go work out and the audiobook I am listening starts up.  And what is the author dissecting?  The evolution of the processed meal.  How women used to have no choice but to be at home and manage the home and the food and with the invention of the processed meal it allowed women to fully express themselves and not have to spend all their time making food for their family.

Hmm.  I have struggled with this for a while now.  I would rather spend time planning, ordering, purchasing and preparing meals for my family than rushing around and sacrificing good nutrition.  But that is MY (or rather OUR) choice.  I have felt external as well as internal struggle as to whether this is enough.  This time consuming and important job at which I am currently employed.

And that brings me back to this morning.  It feels like some sort of defeat of the modern woman that  I don’t have paid employment.  Since this is such a new option for women.  But I have had plenty of jobs.  And I pretty much hate them all.  So why would I do that?  Just to make money? 

Is it really such a luxury that I stay home?  is it really such a bonbon eating, feet up kind of life?  I disagree.  But until I get paid for it then I will continue to defend this way of life.  And feel good about my role in providing a safe and edible home to my boys.

Do you love roses?

I do.  I remember when I started planning my wedding that I began to hear that so many people don’t love roses.  I can’t imagine.  They are so beautiful, cylindrical, conical, so elegant.  And sometimes, oh sometimes, they smell so amazing.  Like nothing else. 

During that time I began to garden.  I never had before.  A brown thumb that could kill anything.  And for many years I loved gardening.

Now I live in this house that has begun to represent all the hardship of the past few years.  It represents the darkness that grows within my and the literal darkness that disallows gardening here.  The beautiful trees prohibit it.

So I just finished a book (so many things I write about begin this way) and these best friends take walks to admire the roses.  And I realized that in this city of roses that I can’t wait for my partner and friend to be able to join me on walks to admire the roses.  When that will be I don’t know.  But as I run, hurry and rush around life I admire the people who slow down, walk around and admire the roses.

Craptastic.

I have been quiet for a while.  A long while really, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t been thinking about food, lifestyle choices and emotional eating.  What I came to about six months ago was that I am tired of dieting, of dieting choices, of thinking about foods I do or do not eat because of some reason important or not.  I am tired of spending so much time on why I am not the size, shape, fitness I want to be.  My first memory of being “chubby” was when I was eleven.  That is a long time to be thinking about this.  Yes, it is important.  It is vital.  Really, how can anything be important if you don’t have your health?

But for me, that isn’t the problem.  My health is good.  My fitness is good.  My eating is good.  It is my head-case-ness about eating that isn’t.  And this, unfortunately, hasn’t changed through all the experimentation, the great ways of eating and the interesting lifestyle choices.

So, for the last six months I have just done what I wanted (mostly).  And (mostly) it works.  I am larger than I would like, I am slower than I would like and I eat meat (more than I would like).

I no longer want to be special.  Eat special.  Be different.  I rarely even talk about it.  I tell people I am a librarian, even though my license is about to expire.  I just don’t want to talk about it anymore.

The problem is the problem.  It isn’t solved.  I still eat emotionally, destructively and without regard for my digestive system.  I am still waiting to see when I will just grow the fuck up and stop eating crap.  Desiring crap.  Needing crap. 

I keep trying.  Knowing that life is good.  That things are definitely better than they were.  But that doesn’t help in the moment.  That moment of self hate and painful self talk.

So, I stay quiet.  I have learned people don’t want to hear this stuff.  But ultimately, this is for me.  And when it needs to come out.  And writing it is much better than eating it.

Swim-time musings on friendship

I don’t have a really close group of friends I spend all my time with.  But that doesn’t mean I value my friends any less.  I value my friends for their contribution to my life in each in their unique way.  And even though we don’t see each other all the time I think about you often, send you good thoughts, and look forward to seeing you when it works out. 

So when we make plans I put it in my calendar, look forward to it, and fit it into my schedule.  Now I know you are very busy (as am I) and I know that most people are not as organized/anal as I am, but I do expect people to show up when planned and stick to the plans they make with me.  I get frustrated when things go awry.  What you should know - I get over it so quickly (who wants to live in anger?).

So, please, don’t make me wrong and go away because of this, as then I would not only miss out on our fun outing, but would also miss (out on) my friend!

Where is the Health?

The first time I tried to eat vegan (for a one week experiment) it was an utter failure.  I didn’t have any energy, I didn’t like the food, and having spent the last six months being paleo I certainly couldn’t wrap my health around eating that many grains and losing weight.  At that time paleo was a hugely popular diet.  It still is, but seemingly being vegan has usurped it as the next “it” diet.  I find this INSANE.  And irritating.  And well, because I am a bit juvenile in my food emotions, it makes me want to go eat a bunch of steak.

But really, this abuts a concern I have had for a while.  When considering why you eat a certain way  and for that way to be permanent it really can’t be a way to lose weight.  If you want to eat paleo because you like the energy it gives you and you feel great then you should definitely eat that way.  If you are solely eating that way to lose weight then it is just a diet and one you will eventually rebound off of. 

And that, my friends, is my concern with the vegan excitement out there.  Because I love eating vegan, I think it makes my skin glow, it is good for the environment, the animals and the humans alike.  It is great.  (for many, not all)  But it should NOT be a diet.  As in, a way to lose weight.  It should not. 

Where is the health in eating this way if it is going to make you rebound into another way of eating that will reverse the great health strides you have made.  If you need to lower your cholesterol, blood pressure, lose weight, avoid diabetes and start to eat a vegan diet (begrudgingly) because it is the current craze then that change will not be permanent.  And just another diet.

Today I am thinking in small steps.  No vegan, no paleo, no labels or rules.  I am sitting inside my body and asking it to tell me what it needs.  Maybe in the silence I will let the juvenile out for a dance and eat like the evolving woman I am.